I’m trying

I’m trying. God knows I’m trying. I’m trying to find the balance between sanity and insanity; something I most often struggle with.

Either I weigh in compulsively or not at all. I haven’t stepped foot onto the scale since my Post Op appointment. Kevin says he is glad I’m not torturing myself, but I can’t decide what is worse – knowing or not knowing.

I’ve taken a break from Weight Watchers, but I am counting calories/meal planning in advance and lowering my carb intake. Less than 1700 calories a day and under 100 carbs. I feel good on this – which should be all that matters, but it never is. I want to look how I feel – and I don’t.

My exercise is still pretty lacking with the exception of the occasional weekend run, walk after dinner or mile stroll to Starbucks. I don’t feel terribly guilty or upset about it either. The weather is cold and windy. I’ve made mention of getting a treadmill – but talk is just that, talk. The idea of running until I can’t think anymore sounds glorious, but when I lace my shoes up…hell, who am I kidding? I’m not even getting my running shoes on.

I never actually appreciated the weight loss until I started gaining it back before I lost the baby. I quickly noticed the 5lb, 10lb, 15lb, 20lb difference. My body changed. My pants were snug. My waist was not well defined. My face was chubby.

PregVSPostOp

 

I, personally, can see the difference in my face here. 8 weeks pregnant vs. 3 1/2 weeks after the D&C. (The Progesterone was not kind to me.) I can look at this and see the weight is coming off, but mentally – it does not feel like it. I feel like I’m having the battle of seeing my 325lb in the mirror verses what I really am now. I know if I were to weigh in I would be discourage that I’m seeing 202 again. That I’m not on the border of “Onederland” like I was before I got pregnant. I would undoubtedly see the 220s or 2-teens. I would undoubtedly be hard on myself and then undoubtedly fall into the insanity of my cyclical nature.

My body is releasing what feels like 3 months of PMS and the rest of the pregnancy hormones. I absolutely hate feeling like this, not to mention the mood swings poor Kevin has had to endure. You cannot imagine. I get terrible insomnia when I PMS and this has been no exception. /pity party.

Long story short – I’m trying to remember that I’m beautiful and confident. That the scale is nothing more than my numerical relationship with gravity. I’m trying to remember that this too shall pass.

 

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12 thoughts on “I’m trying

  1. That stupid scale, gets us every time. Sounds like staying away from it would be more effective. Sorry you’re feeling crappy. Keep in mind that it will get better! šŸ™‚

  2. Best of luck to you! I’ve lost a good bit of weight but somehow find myself reverting back to old habits after getting frustrated. I’m not happy right now but I don’t know how to get back to where I was either

  3. You body and mind both need time to heal. Allow yourself to take a few steps back, but don’t fall down the slippery slope. Sounds like you are doing the right thing by take a break from a program but still monitoring your intake. Be patient with yourself!

  4. I do that with weigh ins too….I feel like I have hit a wall. I am not currently on weight watchers, and honestly, I can’t wait to get back on it. I have to have that accountability. I have learned that I am just not ready to go at it completely alone yet.

  5. Patience is the hardest thing. I’ve never been good with being patient with myself – others? To no end. Me? HA! It should have happened yesterday. LOL. Thanks for commenting. Your wedding pic is beautiful!

  6. Yeah, food really is an addiction. It’s so easy to fall back into those old habits and patterns. You go from feeling so healthy and awesome to lost and mad. Hang in there, too. ā¤

  7. As much as I want to know what it says I know that it will be no different than any other time – I’ll be mad it’s not lower. And honestly, Kevin’s right – I don’t need the additional torture right now. Thanks so much. ā¤

  8. Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It might be strange, but in some ways I’m glad I found your blog. I too went through a very similar situation in July. And to be honest, I am still fighting a daily battle. I’ve seen the weight pour back on afterwards and have dealt with the struggles of going back to old ways and having a slightly manic affair on and off with my scale. I wish you the best of luck in your journey! Be strong! Remember to love yourself šŸ™‚ Hugs

  9. You ARE beautiful and have every reason to be confident. And you have been such an inspiration to me in my own journey. I’ve been slipping, badly, lately. Take the time you need to heal emotionally and physically then just get back at it. We can do this together!

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