Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude

Things have been going WAY better than I honestly could have expected. I’ve been on the Zoloft for a little over 2 weeks now and have felt a marked difference. It’s incredible. You really have no idea how poorly you were feeling until you feel good.

Things I’ve been able to enjoy now:

1. Bath time. Every night Brooke and I take a bath together and play. This is the first time I’ve been able to enjoy bath time without the constant fear of her drowning, falling, dry drowning, etc.
2. My evening after she goes to bed. I am no longer glued to the monitor.
3. Sleeping. I am actually sleeping! I’m not having nightmares. I’m sleeping. I’m not so on edge that I wake up to every little movement she makes and rush to her room the second she budges. She’s rolling over and going back to sleep and only waking up once and rarely twice, which means I’m finally getting some uninterrupted sleep.
4. Driving. I used to LOVE driving. Then I was suddenly petrified that I would get into a crash. Driving over bridges was the worst because I was so afraid that I’d lose control, veer off the bridge, not be able to get Brooke from the car/water and she’d drown. Now, I can drive over a bridge without my stomach sinking and my palms sweating.
5. LIFE. Looking back on it  now that I’m feeling better, I was incredibly depressed in addition to the anxiety. I can’t explain it, but before I just didn’t find joy in anything outside of Brooke. She is my whole world, but when I wasn’t with her, my happiness ceased to exist. And when I was with her, I was happy, but so anxious that something would go wrong.

In fact, I’m feeling SO much better that I rejoined Weight Watchers a 10 days ago. I lost 8.6lbs my first week back. WOW! That’s way more than I expected.(I also had my first postpartum period that week. Hey! I made it 7m postpartum!)

I’m not exactly sure how WW will impact my supply yet since your supply tanks when you’re on your period. This (currently) is my first week on WW without having any outside forces impacting my typical pumping. To date, I’m down a little. Which means I’ll have to continue monitoring it (thank god I track on a spreadsheet) and determine my best course of action. I think I’m going to wrap this week up about 6oz shy of my average pumping output, which means an entire bottle less than normal. I’m not exactly sure what this means yet, but I’ll figure it out. If it means I eat some more points to bump up my calories, then so be it. I’m fine to maintain for the next 4.5 months (to hit my year long goal of exclusively breastfeeding) and then focus on my weight loss since Brooke can have whole milk at a year. Anyhow – that’s a whole different story!

The moral here was: if you feel sad, anxious or just shitty, don’t be a doofus and wait 3 years like I did.