I can’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted this and then retyped it. Mental Health is such a hard topic to write about. It’s taboo. It’s scary. It’s the unknown. It’s the societal norms that still aren’t quite accepting. You’ve been with me through it all. The good days, the bad days, the weight loss, the weight gain, all of it. So, here goes. I’ve struggled with mental health since I got hormones. I’ve been on and off more anti depressants than one person can count. Wellbutrin works the best for me. Sythentic hormones (what you have in pill BC) make me certifiably crazy. I had the IUD put in because it had no hormones. My crazies contained themselves, except for when I was PMSing, (my Doc says I have PMDD). I started Wellbutrin 2 years ago to help and it did the job. I had never felt better. When I got pregnant, I stopped the Wellbutrin. There are mixed studies on taking it while pregnant and I didn’t want to risk anything.
1 month after my miscarriage my husband asked me if I was going to go back on my Wellbutrin. I stopped the conversation with a harsh “no.”
2 months after my miscarriage my mom asked if I was going to go back on my Wellbutrin. I stopped the conversation with a harsh “I’m fine.”
3 months after my miscarriage I shrugged it off as grieving when Kevin asked me again.
4 months after my miscarriage I promised you all I was getting my groove back. I promsied myself I was. I wasn’t. My mom inquired again and I told her I’m fine…again.
5 months after my miscarriage Kevin looked me dead in the eye and said, “I miss my wife.” I was still breaking down nearly weekly and just hiding it better, sometimes alone and sometimes not.
Last week, 6 months after my miscarriage, I broke. I hit that point where even I knew I wasn’t okay.
I’ve read that the two hardest days after a miscarriage are Mother’s Day and the due date. Mine were within a week of each other. With last weekend being Mother’s Day weekend, I would have been due any day, I had the most emotional round of PMS/PMDD I’ve ever had and then I started my period – yet again… Needless to say, when I started my period I fell to pieces and my husband helped me pick them back up – starting with my Wellbutrin. I just couldn’t stop crying. I started my period on Saturday and that is what really pushed me over the edge. Somewhere in my head the thought of, I could be pregnant this month and then still be a Mother on Mother’s Day kept playing. Kevin considered cancelling his business trip because he didn’t want to leave me, but I wouldn’t let him. I felt a mix of guilt and isolation. I didn’t want to take the focus off of Mother’s Day for the Mother’s celebrating, so I just kept it to myself. (I know, Mom. I should have told you, but I just couldn’t.) I did a two hour dance cardio class. I called Alicia, who dropped all of her plans and went to dinner with me. And yesterday, I went to my Primary Care Physician (for my back) and also asked her to renew my Wellbutrin prescription. I’ve forced myself to exercise daily starting Friday when things got bad, and eat pretty clean.
While it was the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching weekend, today I realize I’ve made peace with it all. I was in shock after the D&C/MMC so while I was undeniably sad, I was also numb. It all hit home for me this weekend, but I think I’ve finally accepted it. And this is the truth:
SoMuchFattitude was created with the intent to be 100% real and honest about my life. I never expected to reach over 1,000 followers on here. I want to thank you all for your continued love and support. You have no idea how much it means to me. The facebook, twitter, phone calls, text, comments and instagram love have all help me through these dark 6 months. Now, 5 days after I starting back on my Welbutrin I can actually say I’m starting to feel like my old self, and mean it.