Moderation. I’m not a fan. I should be, but I’m not. One ounce of cheese? Why not 12? One triathlon? Why not 5? ALL. OR. NOTHING. I’ve been thinking a lot about this since a conversation I had last Thursday. Formulating my thoughts and figuring out how to word this post.
I am a very black and white person. I’m ridiculously intense. I stress how important it is to find “your grey” because it’s something I have always struggled with. The closer I get to my goal weight the more intense I get. I’m 25lbs away and I feel like I’m still 300lbs away. I want it so bad that I’m crumbling inside. I’m willing to destroy everything else so that I can lose these last 25lbs…and it’s not worth it. Everyone sees me and says how great I look, but I’m convinced they’re lying. I’m convinced they’re saying the obligatory “have you lost weight?” that everyone says to the fat girl. I’m a skeptic. Still. The facts are there. I’ve lost 125lbs and I’m a skeptic that people have noticed. I’m also a nutjob.
My insanity is why I’ve been able to lose 125lbs; however, it’s also caused a lot of tension and hard times. It messes up my social life. It tampers with social situations. Causes stress in my marriage. It causes stress on myself. It shapes my mentality and it makes me so hard on myself. It creates the urge to binge (and boy did I think weekend.) I have this weird hate/hate relationship with my scale. It’s a punitive thing for me, not a motivational thing. It is never enough pounds lost for a week regardless of the number. I am thankful that this go round I am at least able to see that and understand it. Perhaps it’s time to take a break from weighing in and focus on the other aspects. It is way more important for me to feel healthy and be healthy than it is to see a specific number and I know this in my core values. I just occasionally need the reminder. No worries, I’ll still go to meetings and all that jazz.
Kevin says that when I’m at my worst I am like a different person. He is right. When I am at my worst I would rather stay at home where I can control everything. I would rather not see anyone that I think could “tempt me.” I turn down invitations to do things. I turn down invitations for both of us to do things. I remember watching the “True Life” episode where this guy saved up a bunch of money, moved to NYC where he didn’t know anyone and focused on his dieting for a year. He did this because he was able to isolate himself from the world and have no distractions. I remember thinking that was brilliant. Nope, wrong Danielle. That shit was crazy. Stop being crazy.
I woke up Saturday morning with 49 Weeklies and 43 Activity Points still remaining…but the weekend ended like this:
…and that’s what I remember.
The good news? Today started like this:
…and it’s a chance to better myself. To work on moderation. Enjoy life a little bit. Find my grey…before I go