Moderation. I’m not a fan. I should be, but I’m not. One ounce of cheese? Why not 12? One triathlon? Why not 5? ALL. OR. NOTHING. I’ve been thinking a lot about this since a conversation I had last Thursday. Formulating my thoughts and figuring out how to word this post.
I am a very black and white person. I’m ridiculously intense. I stress how important it is to find “your grey” because it’s something I have always struggled with. The closer I get to my goal weight the more intense I get. I’m 25lbs away and I feel like I’m still 300lbs away. I want it so bad that I’m crumbling inside. I’m willing to destroy everything else so that I can lose these last 25lbs…and it’s not worth it. Everyone sees me and says how great I look, but I’m convinced they’re lying. I’m convinced they’re saying the obligatory “have you lost weight?” that everyone says to the fat girl. I’m a skeptic. Still. The facts are there. I’ve lost 125lbs and I’m a skeptic that people have noticed. I’m also a nutjob.
My insanity is why I’ve been able to lose 125lbs; however, it’s also caused a lot of tension and hard times. It messes up my social life. It tampers with social situations. Causes stress in my marriage. It causes stress on myself. It shapes my mentality and it makes me so hard on myself. It creates the urge to binge (and boy did I think weekend.) I have this weird hate/hate relationship with my scale. It’s a punitive thing for me, not a motivational thing. It is never enough pounds lost for a week regardless of the number. I am thankful that this go round I am at least able to see that and understand it. Perhaps it’s time to take a break from weighing in and focus on the other aspects. It is way more important for me to feel healthy and be healthy than it is to see a specific number and I know this in my core values. I just occasionally need the reminder. No worries, I’ll still go to meetings and all that jazz.
Kevin says that when I’m at my worst I am like a different person. He is right. When I am at my worst I would rather stay at home where I can control everything. I would rather not see anyone that I think could “tempt me.” I turn down invitations to do things. I turn down invitations for both of us to do things. I remember watching the “True Life” episode where this guy saved up a bunch of money, moved to NYC where he didn’t know anyone and focused on his dieting for a year. He did this because he was able to isolate himself from the world and have no distractions. I remember thinking that was brilliant. Nope, wrong Danielle. That shit was crazy. Stop being crazy.
I woke up Saturday morning with 49 Weeklies and 43 Activity Points still remaining…but the weekend ended like this:
…and that’s what I remember.
The good news? Today started like this:
…and it’s a chance to better myself. To work on moderation. Enjoy life a little bit. Find my grey…before I go
You’ll find your gray eventually. 🙂 125 pounds is so much to lose and is amazing! I doubt that you’re crazy – It’s just that dieting and making a huge change after living life for so long overweight makes it hard to see your new body as it’s transforming. The all or nothing mentality probably makes you feel like you won’t fall off the wagon perpetually, while being in the gray area is scary because you never know if/when it can send you over the edge. Well, I guess that’s how I’ve experienced it, but even after several years of this I’m still trying to figure out the balance thing.
“The all or nothing mentality probably makes you feel like you won’t fall off the wagon perpetually, while being in the gray area is scary because you never know if/when it can send you over the edge. ” I’d never thought of it in those terms, but I suspect that has a lot to do with it. Any loss of control is petrifying, simply because when I weighed 325lbs I didn’t have any control. ❤ Thank you. I needed this.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. For me it comes down to having an addictive personality – when I took up karate, one class a week wasn’t enough – I ended up training six days a week. It’s the same now with running – I feel bad when I haven’t been running (even if I don’t always feel like going out). Whever I’ve allowed myself to play a video game, I’ve become completely addicted to it, to the point where I’ve dreamed about tetris blocks. It’s also why I don’t drink… I’m far too afraid that I’d become an alcoholic. (I also have problems with binge-eating as I worry that I’ll never be allowed to eat a particular food again).
I guess a big part of tackling the issue is being aware of it, as you are, and then coming up with a strategy. Not focussing on the numbers on the scales and instead thinking about healthy eating is a brilliant way to go. Good luck!
Yes, I 100% have an addictive personality and have to be VERY careful. Thanks! ❤
Pingback: The Calm Before the Storm | Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude
Pingback: Stuck in the Suck | Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude