I remember hitting 200.2lbs on the scale and the fear being immobilizing. I couldn’t remember ever seeing a 1 in front. For months this paralyzed me. I would teeter right at 200lbs, never once seeing that elusive 1. 200.2, 202, 201.6, always close but never quite there. I was so frustrated. So angry. So desperately needing to see that 1, but I never did. I spent months in a self sabotaging cycle. Fear of the unknown.
That 1 would close a chapter in my life. A chapter maybe I wasn’t quite as ready to close mentally as I thought. A battle I’ve now realized I never conquered. I weighed 200.2lbs when I found out we were pregnant the first time. I suddenly had this freedom and ate everything I wanted to, never expecting a loss or years of infertility problems. I let go of the 1 and ate for 2. (You’re suppose to gain weight while you’re pregnant, right? Challenge accepted…and some.) Then to losses, oh the losses. I ate all of those emotions. I never conquered that demon.
Now, here I am nearly 2.5 years later and just understanding all of this. I now see that while I lost the weight, I didn’t completely lose that unhealthy mindset. I’m sitting right at about 258lbs. Some days more and some days less. There. I said it. 258. I’m up 58lbs from the lowest weight I can ever remember. It’s a tough pill to swallow when your life has revolved around weight for so long.
I’m balancing the whole motherhood, breastfeeding and healthy lifestyle thing now. It’s significantly harder than I thought it would be. A hell of a lot harder. It’s way easier to just eat a box of mac and cheese or go through fast food. The downside to it be so much easier is that physically it is so much harder. This past weekend I realized that I physically feel how I did before I lost all my weight. I feel how I did when I ate tons of processed shit: I’m exhausted, have horrible headaches all the time, cranky/irritable, and my tummy hurts quite often. And then I looked in my fridge and pantry and realized I was eating all of that shit again.
I’m desperately trying to find my clean eating roots and I’m dabbling (not obsessing) with a more primal approach to eating. I’m not counting calories or points or macros or anything. Im on the low end of a good supply with a low breast storage capacity so breastfeeding is already harder for me. Cutting drastic calories will dip into my already low supply. I simply cannot do that. So, I’m eating real foods with ingredients I can read. I’m only 3 days in but I already feel significantly better. Maybe this will even increase my supply? It certainly can’t hurt.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t secretly hoping that the weight will fall off too, but for now, I can’t focus on that because it’ll turn into a downward spiral of obsession that I refuse to participate in again. I’m hoping that finally finding a healthy lifestyle and balance will facilitate the weight loss. I did join another Dietbet after having lost my first one just to help me try and stay on track with eating clean again. We will see what happens.
I’m ready to close this chapter.