Just Not Ready

11weeks11 weeks. My sweet, sweet girl was 11 weeks yesterday. It’s hard to imagine a life before her, and nor do I want to. In her short existence she has taught me more about myself and life than my 32 years here has.

My mom bought Brooke this sweet outfit and it could not be truer. She is absolutely my wish come true. After nearly two years of devastating loses and months of futile fertility treatments, tests, and false hopes – I finally have my beautiful rainbow baby.

Never did I think I could be so totally in love in a mere 11 weeks. I get lost in an innocent, pure world when I have her in my arms. And yet, this time next week, I will not have in my arms. She will be in someone else’s arms because she’s starting daycare…and this kills me.

monsternandmommywrapMy fears are irrational, but god do they feel so very real. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am incredibly fortunate that my extremely hard working husband provides such a strong foundation for us that I am able to cut back to two days a week. I am beyond thankful and grateful for that; however, those two days my Monster is away from me during the week will be the hardest. They tell me it’ll get easier, and I’m sure it will. I always worry pre-event and am typically fine once it happens, but ugh, I’m not so sure this time.

They tell me every mom goes through this. And if one more person says, “Just be glad you only have to work two days a week” I might cut a bitch. This isn’t a competition. I’m allowed to be a wreck over this, Judgy McJudgerson.

datenightselfieAnyhow Kevin suggested we let my mom (Nana Ree) and Dad (Papa G)  keep her over night last weekend so we could have a date night and I could see that I can function without her attached to me. I survived the night without my tiny Monster attached to me, as my wonderful Mom sent me text pictures all night to keep me sane. It was actually incredibly nice to get dolled up and not smell like sour breast milk and put on real pants; though, when it was time for us to go to bed I couldn’t sleep. My mind raced. I wondered if she was crying, missing me like I was missing her, and if my poor Mom was up all night with her. Turns out Monster slept the best she’s ever slept at my folks. I was the only fool up all night.

monsterandmommyboba

Boba Wrap – Skin to Skin

Words cannot express how excited I was to get my hands on her Saturday morning. We were to my parents by 730am. I nursed her and got lost in those curls and sweet smiles she always gives me now.

I wore her the whole day, switching between my new ring sling (which I effing love) and my Boba. She seemed just as happy as I was. I was right where I needed to be.

Runner Mom has tried to convince me that it’ll be great for Monster to make friends. I call bullshit. I am suppose to be her only friend. Forever. Until the day I die. Dammit. I’m just not ready. And I’m sure I probably won’t ever be.

So, don’t judge me when I tell you that I cried when I got her labels in the mail the other day. I don’t want to label her bottles. I don’t want to have to pump for someone else to feed her. I don’t want someone else to get her first anything. I’m selfish..and I’m just not ready for her to come out from under my wing.

labels

 

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One thought on “Just Not Ready

  1. Yep. Next week is gonna suck. Lots of tears but you’ll enjoy every moment you get with her even more-when you thought that wasn’t possible! Hang in there!

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