The Space Between Us

325beach VT VT2 I weighed 325lbs and never once thought I was unattractive. In fact, I thought I was hot. Smoking hot. Curvy, thick, and juicy. If you tried to tell me otherwise I would have laughed in your face.  My confidence attracted people. I had boyfriends and heart breaks. People either hated me or loved me, but either way I still always had plans to go out. I was sociable, outgoing, and outrageously funny. I loved my body. I was beyond flirtatious, confident, sexy and well spoken. I didn’t care what anyone thought. (Perhaps a little too much.) I was in plays, musical theatre, opera. I had no fears or limits. I never thought about food. I had played soccer for 12 years and never really paid attention. I was chubbier than the other girls, but by no stretch was it worrisome. All the activity burned off what I ate. Well, I quit playing soccer and kept eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I was slowly killing herself. I met a boy and fell madly in love with him and married him. I wanted a family. I wanted to be healthy for my future. So, I decided to change. I distanced the space and became a different person. I turned into a bully. I said mean, nasty things to the fat girl. I called her names and starved her. I forced her to spend countless hours in the gym doing insane things. I hated the fat girl. pinkdress I went from 325lbs to 202lbs over the course of several failed, fad diets. Over the course of countless hours in the gym, many skipped events so I could control my food, and too many fights over my obsession with food and exercise between me and all of my loved ones. I hated what I saw in the mirror. 202lbs pinksports1 I can remember taking these pictures and being totally grossed out with myself. Thinking these would be my new “before” pictures. That I’d never show anyone because they are so disgusting. The top left is at 208lbs – I took this pic and sent it to my husband and best friend to ask them if it was too short for me…wtf?  The bottom left is at about 215’ish and the right is at 202lbs. It’s funny. While I knew I was an athlete, I thought I was unhealthy. I thought I would never be healthy until I hit my goal weight. I thought a number defined my health, defined my joy, defined my life. Well…then life happened. Shit happens. Really fucked up shit happens. And you have zero control over it. How you handle it is what truly matters. What you learn and take away from it. Unfortunately, I spiraled out of control. I ate everything I forbade myself from for all that time and dried my tears with bourbon. I had a bully on one shoulder and a victim on the other. I lost my “survivor” mentality and just told myself to just keep swimming. I never realized how intertwined my weight loss and miscarriage have been until last weekend while Kevin and I were talking. The whole reason I started this journey was so I could have kids. I guess the miscarriage made it all feel so pointless, when in reality, I’ve learned so much about myself from my loss and regain. I know I haven’t been me since the miscarriage and everyone in my life can tell. Everyone has commented on it.  I’ve been told that I’ve been living in a “pre miscarriage” and “post miscarriage” world since it happened. It’s was the truth. Everything is in terms of that. “Before the miscarriage I had lost 125lbs.” “Before the miscarriage I was faster; I was a better athlete.”  “Before the miscarriage I had control over my eating.” I refuse to live like that anymore. spinready It’s destroying my world and my relationships. It’s impossible to move on with it constantly looming in my head. Hell, I’m certain all of you are like, “Shut the fuck up about it already, woman.” But here’s the thing, in this horrible, fucked up turn of events I’m finding the space between us. Between the 325lb, 202lb and 245lb version of me. I’d gotten up to 245lbs again. This time last year I weighed 205lbs.  An extremely tough pill to swallow.weeklystats I have committed to truly healthy lifestyle choices that I can keep forever this time. I have been going to the gym 5-6 days a week for 2 weeks now. I have not been solely a cardio queen this time and I have placed equal emphasis on heavy lifting. I am making healthy, non restricted 80/20 food choices.  I’m trying to keep my drinking to the weekends. I’ve lost 5 pounds in two weeks. I am trying to remember slow and steady.  I am trying to find beauty in my curves and a new-found appreciation for the body I currently have, not the body I once had, or the body I want. Though looking back at the 202lb picture while in a 239lb body, DAMN! I looked good. I’m so sad I never had the confidence to back it up. I never realized how close I was to my goal. Perhaps now, as I take this weight off for the final time, I will appreciate the journey and not the destination.

12 thoughts on “The Space Between Us

  1. There is so much heartache in this post it is actually inspiring. I mean that because toward the end you express how you realize that life does go on, and you CAN be happy again.

    Keep up the good work sweety and you really can get to a place where you are happy both emotionally and physically.

    ( I hope the above makes sense. I’m probably not articulating myself properly. )

  2. Beautiful post! I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. You will be that confident girl again! In fact, you have inspired me to try harder to be that person as well.

    I just got my first fitbit a few weeks ago. I’d love more friends on there. Here is my link if you are interested

  3. I totally understand where you are coming from and am there right now. I hate the way my body looks and am envious of my once 220lb body that I worked so hard for, but didn’t appreciate enough at the time because I wasn’t at the right number just yet. Healthy isn’t defined by a number. We need to learn to celebrate our health at any number we see on the scale 🙂 It’s hard to embrace and celebrate our bodies when we feel disgusted by our appearance, but somehow we have to! It starts by accepting compliments for what they are and not reading into them or adding “for a fat girl” to the end in our minds. We have to focus on where we’ve came from – never forgetting the battle we’ve fought to get where we are now. I think that’s where blogging / journaling can be so helpful. When you start to feel down about yourself in the future, you can come back to this point and see where you were and celebrate you are now – being thankful that you persevered!

  4. I love you boo, no matter what the weight.

    I think it’s important to say that you had real moments of joy and strength throughout the 200s. It wasn’t all self loathing and bullying. It was trying on clothes together in stores, seeing your legs differently, wowing men in LA, feeling the wind on your face riding your bike at the parks, OWNING the gym, the steps, the good meals, the smiles.

    Hitting the pillow every night is hard for everyone. We all think, “God, what did today mean for me? Who am I anymore?” whether it’s because we’re overweight, underweight, fighting with our SO, it’s raining outside, we’re suddenly single again, we lost a loved one or even a little one. Thinking about ourselves in quiet moments is HARD. NO MATTER WHAT.

    But I’m here, and Marie, and Kevin, and Josh, and a million others, so quiet moments don’t have to last, or feel isolating. You have ALL OF THE LOVE.

    It’s what helps me sleep, and wake up, and go run, and eat (or put back) the munchkins. Is you. And all the others.

  5. I love all your posts but wanted to comment here. In the beginning you speak in the past tense about the person you used to be. Don’t forget that while you are constantly changing and growing there is still the core YOU inside that is all those things you mentioned in present tense (social, outgoing, funny, confident, sexy, outspoken, no limits). These are the unwavering qualities about you that we, who know you, love about you. This is the essence of who you are and why you will always find a way and a reason to reach your goals and continue to inspire the rest of us.

  6. When I was in the middle of my eating disordered years, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Wowza. Pregnancy for a control freak is hard – your body is not your own and what the baby needs is not necessarily the same as what you need. And then to lose your baby? All of it was hard and I didn’t handle it too well. I got pregnant again six months after my miscarriage (30 years ago!) and was on the worst diet ever – it’s amazing my son has a high IQ. I’m glad I finally solved my eating disorder, but that doesn’t mean I was thin – I’m still fat and working on that, but without the extra burden of bingeing and some anorexia to compensate. That was dangerous stuff. I don’t do that anymore (thankfully). Hang in there – all the good stuff will come to you. You just have to live today, not tomorrow or yesterday. And you’re hot – and beautiful – no matter your size. It is exactly what you said at the top of your post – you had (have) confidence and that is sexy no matter what the weight. Suzie

  7. Hats off to you girl friend! 🙂 I know that our journey to the destination is what can make or break us…. I have been a yo-yo dieter for years….. so now I am taking the journey much more slowly and if I lose a couple pounds each month then awesome but if I just maintain then that is awesome too! There is much joy in the journey!!!!

  8. I’m new to your blog, but I wanted to say that I’m so very sorry about your loss. I lost my first baby, and it was devastating. He was conceived after almost 9 months of fertility treatment, and I felt like I’d loved him since we started trying. I gained a lot of weight during infertility/treatment/loss. I have kids now, so I understand if you don’t want to read me because any and every mention of babies sent me into a tailspin for a couple of years. It’s so hard. You’re a rock star.

  9. Pingback: Fear | Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude

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