Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude

I’m writing this over the course of a few days, maybe a week, maybe two weeks (it’s been two weeks now). I’m not sure yet. Fear is holding me back. Fear is immobilizing.  Fear is temporary; regret is permanent.

I found spin 4 years ago. Ok. Correction. I tried a spin bike 4 years and 2 weeks ago. I remember that fear. I remember worrying that I’d break the spin bike. I remember feeling immobilized and then one day stepping foot into the spin room and getting on a bike. I remember the pride and tears of joy I cried when I finished my first spin class.

Three years ago I was in my prime. I was confident, God, I was confident. I had a horrible spin experience at LA Fitness and wrote a letter to their corporation. I am that girl I referenced in my letter. I am now the insecure, scared, paranoid girl when it comes to working out. Fear. It’s immobilizing.

Two years ago I was coping with our two losses and trying to figure out how to move forward. I had a lot of very raw honest moments with myself.

This time last year I was two days away from completing a half marathon, crazy nervous, and still battling my fears.

And here I am now, desperately trying to find some sense of a new normal with a 3.5 month old. Desperately trying to find a resemblance of the former me, pre miscarriages and pre kid. As I find my groove in motherhood I also find myself missing something. Missing a piece of who I used to be. I need and crave more than the family walks we take a few times a week.

But I also find myself unable to have the same freedom to just get up and ride 40+ miles and be gone for 3 hours. Let’s be honest, there’s no way in hell I’m going to stop mid ride to pump. So, my mind wanders back to spin. My mind wanders back to how much I love(d) it. But the fear. It’s immobilizing.

I’ve had the LA Fitness reactivation page open for going over two weeks now. I’ve mapped out and scheduled all of the spin classes for a time that works. I’ve checked the childcare hours to make sure I have no excuses. Just click reactivate. JUST CLICK REACTIVATE. Yet, I can’t – the fear. It’s immobilizing.

It’s hard admitting that you are starting over. It’s hard finally admitting and accepting that I’ve changed. That I’m not the same person. In some ways better. In some ways worse. It’s hard admitting your endurance isn’t what it once was. It’s hard knowing that you might not make it through your first spin class in over a year. That you might pant and puke, and cry your eyes out in the car. That you will feel judged. It’s hard being a the new girl again. It’s hard being the new fat girl at the gym. I tried so desperately to get back into a groove pre-Monster, but truth be told, in the back of my head I always had some excuse. Usually it was around getting pregnant, being pregnant, fertility treatments, etc. Even now, I’m currently battling the excuse involving exercise impacting my already lower breast milk supply. There’s always something.

I told myself I wouldn’t publish this until I’d gone to a spin class. That I need to stop talking and start doing. That my readers are sick of my sick and miss the sassy fathlete I once was.  The thing is, like I keep saying, the fear – it’s immobilizing. I can’t bring myself to reactivate my membership yet.

So, truth be told, I’m publishing this so I’ll be my own cheerleader and feel obligated to sign back up and push through the fear. Let’s see how well it works…