“It made me feel weird.”

My best friend read my This Is Part Of It post and told me it made her feel weird. Weird? Seriously. WTF? That was poetic and emotional and raw. Whatever. It didn’t settle well with me. Clearly. So, I pushed her and asked her why it made her feel weird.  She didn’t want to get into it, but finally said she felt like I was playing the victim for entirely too long.  Seriously? She’s never been fat. She’s lost vanity weight, but never health weight.  She’s never struggled like me. She’s never been pregnant and lost it. She doesn’t fucking get it. We are two totally different stories. A VICTIM? SERIOUSLY? BUT – she’s right. And I love her for that. It took my nearly a month to see it, but she’s right.

She’s seen me at my best, and she’s seen me at my worst…and while it’s hard to admit, she’s right on this one. Bitch.

I am depressed. I am dealing with my depression. There. I said it. I have had no groove since the miscarriage. I’ve become a baby making obsessed, depressed lunatic that can’t get out of her own way. I’ve lost my discipline. I’ve lost my weight focused goals. I’ve lost myself. I turned into the victim, and a victim, I am not. I have always considered myself a survivor, having dealt with an array of things that no one should ever have to.

This weekend was a difficult one for me. In fact, the week was difficult. It started with Kevin getting extremely sick during the week. The Doctor is leaning toward a stomach ulcer, so we are dealing with ultrasounds, endoscopes and appointments now. I worry.  Kevin was able to sleep a lot of the weekend and on Saturday afternoon, once the rain had stopped, I went outside to my garden and decided it was time.

garden

 

Time to move on. I love gardening, but I had to stop when I got pregnant. They say not to garden because you can get toxoplasmosis, which is harmful for the fetus. I had a beautiful garden last year with corn, tomatoes, watermelon, etc. that I let die because I got pregnant. I’d been going back and forth over doing this or not because when and if I get pregnant it’d be harder to upkeep since I can’t “play in the dirt.” Just one more thing I was putting on hold. So, I spent 4 hours weeding, laying down a 10 year weed barrier so if I do get pregnant, I won’t let it go, and planting tomatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, banana peppers, jalapenos, strawberries, herbs, etc.

I was just blue on Sunday. Sad all day long. I went upstairs and just started sobbing at one point.Frustrated with that fact that we got pregnant 4 days after my IUD came out in August and we weren’t even trying – and now we are 4 months into trying with no such luck. Kevin came upstairs and just held me. Consoled me. Told me he loved me. Told me I HAVE to relax. I have to relax. I have to relax. He ran me a hot bath and I just soaked. I relaxed.

That’s when I realized she was right. I’ve become this powerless victim, and not the empowered survivor I once was. It’s a simple choice. You choose what you will be. You choose your outlook. You choose your approach. You choose your destiny. And I choose to get my shit together and stop being a victim.

I signed up for Weight Watchers again- where I’m going to combine my new love of clean eating and intuitive eating with Weight Watchers. My biggest issue has always been portion control and Weight Watchers certainly helps with that. I struggled on Weight Watchers because I would hoard points and binge at night. I feel more ready to take on Weight Watchers because I’m working basic eating principles with Intuitive Eating. I’ve learned I can eat whatever I want with Intuitive Eating – and Weight Watchers preaches that. I’m learning moderation and satiation.

I have my first 5k of the year this coming weekend. Totally unprepared. Pace is a mess. There will be no PB for me.  WAIT – WHAT? First 5k of the year? SERIOUSLY? For the past two years at this time I would have been in HARD CORE training mode for my Triathlon schedule. This race would have been part of my scheduled training, and even perhaps part of a brick. Certainly not the first race of the year. Better late than never, though.

So, here we go. Are you ready for it? I’ve gained 36 pounds  since September 2013 – when I found out I was pregnant. I gained 20 of them the 10 weeks I was pregnant and on progesterone. I gained 16 of them through emotional eating after I lost the baby. I will lose 36 pounds through hard work and dedication…and having a best friend that is a bitch, a husband that is a rock and parents that are my biggest cheerleaders.

It’s go time.

fitness goal -dmv meme

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4 thoughts on ““It made me feel weird.”

  1. You are not playing the victim. You are just being raw and honest. I hate that I feel inclined to be positive all the time. That is part of our media culture that only runs stories about “overcoming.”

    Sometimes being fat sucks. This side of me is just as much a part of me as the positive side. I wrote a post called Plus-Sized Insecurities that is like yours. When I read your post “This Is Part of It,” I was glad that I am not the only one.

  2. Very good blog! Do you have any tips for aspiring writers?

    I’m hoping to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
    Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a
    paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m totally overwhelmed ..
    Any recommendations? Many thanks!

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