This is part of it

It started yesterday.

I want to tell you this is easy. I want to tell you this is easy. I want to tell you this is easy.

This has never been, and will never be easy.

Weight loss.

I want to tell myself the scale is not a reflection of who I am. I want to tell myself the number is arbitrary. And it is.

But, the truth of the matter is I used to be a FIT fatty girl that could run a 12 minute mile weighing 230lbs. I used to find no excuses when it came to exercising. Too cold outside? Still up at 5am. It’s only cold when you’re not moving. Too hot outside? The earlier you workout the cooler it is. Inspiration.

I told myself that when we moved cancelling my gym membership was a good idea because I had the Alpharetta Greenway to ride my bike on, a park walking distance, a neighborhood to run in, and all of the motivation in the world. All of the motivation in the world.

I want to tell myself my current pace is irrelevant, I’m lapping everyone not moving. I want to tell myself it doesn’t matter what or how fast, as long as I am doing something.  I feel like a joke.

Hills break me now. They used to inspire me to sprint, feet pounding hard on the pavement. Hills leave me red-faced and panting. They used to leave me reinvigorated and determined.

I so desperately want to find that place again. I so desperately want that confidence again. I so desperately want to be able to say no and make good choices.

I want to hit delete, because no one likes this side of weight loss. Everyone wants salads and running pictures, not self doubt and frustration. But – this is part of it, people. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies. It’s not all salads and good runs. Days like this suck. Days like this I feel like I haven’t made progress. Days like this I binge or starve. These are the type of days I pretend I never read the Intuitive Eating book where I found pounds and peace in it. I found pounds and peace in it. I found permission and pounds and peace in it. I found too many pounds and too much peace. I found myself back to binging. I replaced starving with binging. One addiction for another. The route of all evils.

But then, days like this I find myself here. Writing. Inspired by the nearly thousand people that now follow me. Inspired by you to find hope. Inspired by you to never give up. Inspired by you to stick with it. Desperate to stick with it. Desperate to find that confidence again. Because it’s not about the number on the scale – it’s about how I feel.

So, the truth of the matter is, I want to find the this girl again, but balance her a little. This girl was up at 5am and running. This girl was silly and happy, and made better choices. This girl was hard on herself. Probably Definitely too hard. This girl hated what she saw in the mirror at 200lbs. This girl hated her body. But, looking back at old pictures of me at 200lbs, I actually really love that body. My body looked great. This girl couldn’t find her grey because she didn’t know how to. I think I know how to now. This girl is beautiful. This girl is me.

oldrunningpic

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20 thoughts on “This is part of it

  1. I love this. Yes, it IS part of it. If it were easy, well, it wouldn’t be real. I’ve said (and written!) these same things many times. You’ll find her again. She’s still there. Believe it. I do.

  2. I totally know where you are coming from. I know all these feelings. As you concluded yourself, be kind to yourself, be patient and look back to see how far you have come and then know that with this amazing achievement, you are an awesome fighter who won’t let a few bad choices bog her down. Keep on going!

  3. One of the reasons I love reading your blog so much is because you are real. You don’t hide things or give the illusion that a lifelong struggle with weight and health issues is only the positives “wins” and never the bad days/weeks/months that we all experience. I can empathize with your frustration: I was happier on the surface when I was eating and drinking as much as I wanted and just not caring but inside I was sad and frustrated. It is really hard to marry the inside and outside feelings together.
    This is a life-long journey. There is nothing wrong with taking a break, maintaining a weight and enjoying life at that point before moving on. Think of it like an around the world vacation; there will be some countries you’re not ready to leave yet, but you’ve got your whole life to travel so stop and let your body and soul recharge.
    I challenge you to go back and read some of your own posts. The ones that all of us followers have liked and commented on and told you how much they have influenced us. And remember who you are doing this for. You are your own critic and your own inspiration. And if you need a break you damn well deserve it!

  4. “I was happier on the surface when I was eating and drinking as much as I wanted and just not caring but inside I was sad and frustrated. ” God – truer words have never been spoken. This is 100% it. I actually lose followers when I started exposing the bad and ugly that accompanies weight loss. So, your comment means a lot to me. Thanks again. ❤

  5. Truer words have never been spoken.

    Weight loss is hard and yes, everyone just wants to hear the upsides to it, however, the lows are just part of it and you can find inspiration there also. Remember, you are not alone.

    You are beautiful and strong. You can and will find her again.

  6. Ok boo. It’s plan time. Let’s go biking this weekend. I miss pedaling behind your sexy ass.

  7. I just started following your blog and this is the first post I have read and wow! You have put into words how I feel so many times! It isn’t easy…I have started over so many times and every time I post about it I feel like a broken record. Thank you for sharing your heart…I’m right there with you! Looking forward to reading more…

  8. Beautiful post. It’s true and I think it’s a good thing that you post about the parts of weight loss that aren’t just rainbows and butterflies.

  9. It’s so easy to forget that not all bloggers share the lows as well as the highs. I can’t seem to find my motivation at the moment but your honest writing inspires me. I hope you get your mojo back soon!

  10. Well said. And don’t be too hard on yourself, even though you might want to sometimes. You are beautiful, you just need to believe it yourself!

  11. Pingback: “It made me feel weird.” | Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude

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