It started yesterday.
I want to tell you this is easy. I want to tell you this is easy. I want to tell you this is easy.
This has never been, and will never be easy.
I want to tell myself the scale is not a reflection of who I am. I want to tell myself the number is arbitrary. And it is.
But, the truth of the matter is I used to be a FIT fatty girl that could run a 12 minute mile weighing 230lbs. I used to find no excuses when it came to exercising. Too cold outside? Still up at 5am. It’s only cold when you’re not moving. Too hot outside? The earlier you workout the cooler it is. Inspiration.
I told myself that when we moved cancelling my gym membership was a good idea because I had the Alpharetta Greenway to ride my bike on, a park walking distance, a neighborhood to run in, and all of the motivation in the world. All of the motivation in the world.
I want to tell myself my current pace is irrelevant, I’m lapping everyone not moving. I want to tell myself it doesn’t matter what or how fast, as long as I am doing something. I feel like a joke.
Hills break me now. They used to inspire me to sprint, feet pounding hard on the pavement. Hills leave me red-faced and panting. They used to leave me reinvigorated and determined.
I so desperately want to find that place again. I so desperately want that confidence again. I so desperately want to be able to say no and make good choices.
I want to hit delete, because no one likes this side of weight loss. Everyone wants salads and running pictures, not self doubt and frustration. But – this is part of it, people. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies. It’s not all salads and good runs. Days like this suck. Days like this I feel like I haven’t made progress. Days like this I binge or starve. These are the type of days I pretend I never read the Intuitive Eating book where I found pounds and peace in it. I found pounds and peace in it. I found permission and pounds and peace in it. I found too many pounds and too much peace. I found myself back to binging. I replaced starving with binging. One addiction for another. The route of all evils.
But then, days like this I find myself here. Writing. Inspired by the nearly thousand people that now follow me. Inspired by you to find hope. Inspired by you to never give up. Inspired by you to stick with it. Desperate to stick with it. Desperate to find that confidence again. Because it’s not about the number on the scale – it’s about how I feel.
So, the truth of the matter is, I want to find the this girl again, but balance her a little. This girl was up at 5am and running. This girl was silly and happy, and made better choices. This girl was hard on herself.
Probably Definitely too hard. This girl hated what she saw in the mirror at 200lbs. This girl hated her body. But, looking back at old pictures of me at 200lbs, I actually really love that body. My body looked great. This girl couldn’t find her grey because she didn’t know how to. I think I know how to now. This girl is beautiful. This girl is me.