1. Head up in a crowd
I walk pretty confidently and typically have my head up. Though, I won’t lie. Some outfits give me more confidence than others. I’m working on always showing that I’m the baddest bitch and love myself. There are a few of my friends on Facebook that are bigger girls and KNOW they look good. I *love* seeing them post pictures of themselves. I want that.
2. Undress in front of others
Real talk: I usually just stand in the gym locker room in my padded Lycra spin shorts and nothing else, admiring my waist. But – it’s just my upper body with my tits hanging out. When it comes down to my lower body I get super weird and awkwardly undress, trying to hold the towel under my chin and over my fatpack while peeling off my gym clothes, undoubtedly dropping my towel and then thinking, “dammit” as I realize no one is watching or really even cares. (Shut it, Alicia… it’s still my #1 insecurity and in my head my fatpack 3,000 times this size.)
3. Skinny Dip
I remember swimming in the oceans of Miami topless without any shame or regret. Like fully skinny dip, not sunbathe topless on the beaches of Miami. Calm down, pervs, I’m not posting the titty pic. I want to skinny dip. I want to be that brazen and unapologetic. But – something happens to me when it comes down to my fatpack, my fupa, my biggest body image issue; I suddenly get very insecure.
4. Grow my business
I am slowly becoming what the intent of my blog was: unapologetically me and just healthy. Fattitude is a confident, health at every size mentality. It’s defying the odds and making people think twice when they see a fatty girl as a triathlete. It’s having the “Oh shit, maybe I can run a half marathon” moment. It’s never giving up and loving yourself every step of the journey. I now have 1,226 people following me on my actual blog and then another 500+ on Instagram. That’s insane! This year has really blossomed for me in terms of SoMuchFattitude. I honestly never thought this would go anywhere and never had the intention on turning it into something. I plan on remodeling the site and making it more interactive/user friendly, too. I’m thinking about maybe going to the FitBloggin event this coming year and really learning how to get SoMuchFattitude out there as a healthy lifestyle blog and continue to inspire people. I’d love to see other people make the transition from “dieting” to just living a healthy lifestyle. I’ve lost followers and readers because I’ve switched from a weight loss blog to a healthy living blog, but – that’s okay. I’m finally sticking true to who I am.
5. Eloquently respond to “fat is lazy.”
I typically just ask them if they consider me lazy. I say, “I train for triathlons, run 10ks, bike 40+ miles at a time and eat a clean diet. Am I lazy?” No one has yet to say yes. That is a picture of four triathletes – not three skinny girls and one fat one.
6. Go backless.
My most recent purchase. I never thought I could go backless and then I found this shit, with one small gathering that covers my bra line. I fell in love. It’s the first backless anything I’ve owned because I can’t go braless with these babies. There would be nothing cute about that. The first time wearing it I was totally nervous and not quite sure I could pull it off. And God, it was so breezy. I’m obsessed with this shirt now.
7. Eat without apologizing
This. God I want to eat without apologizing. I am Queen of “It’s my cheat meal”, “I haven’t had enough calories today”, I didn’t eat a big lunch”, “It’s okay, I factored it into my calories for the day”, “I biked X amount of miles this morning.” I want to just eat with no explanation. No justification for the choices I’ve made. I want to just eat and not think about what other people might be thinking. This is my #1, probably. Btw, this is the ONLY picture I can find of me eating. (Drinking, yes – eating, no.)
Done, done and done. I did a boudoir set for Kevin and gave it to him before the wedding. I had a blast taking these pics and felt super sexy. I did some inside. Some on a train track. Some topless. Some in lingerie. Some in a park and with a weird guy watching. It was beyond liberating and freeing.
So, those are Emmie’s. It’s a brilliant list that caused me to really think about myself and where I’m at in my journey. The things I want to do and the things I have done. Here’s what I’ve learned about myself:
I want to always walk with my head up, no matter the day or the outfit. I know bad days happen, but I’d like the overwhelming consensus to be confidence.
I want to accept my fupa/fatpack. I want to embrace it as part of me and be okay with it. I want to stop judging myself for it. I want it to stop being the first thing I look for when I try clothes on.
I want to run a half marathon…because I am not lazy. I am healthy at my size. I am capable and dedicated. I have motivation and drive. I can do it.
I want to just eat. I want to fix my issues with food and just be. No excuses. No explanations. After reading Emmie’s post last week and reflecting, I realized that by tracking every single morsel I’m eating I’m also forcing myself to over analyze and justify eating what I am. Food is ALWAYS on my mind. This week, as of yesterday, I stopped tracking. I didn’t weigh my food. I didn’t measure. It feels very, very wrong, but also very, very good. I’ve listened to my body and my mind. It’s very easy for me to over eat. Kevin stops when he’s full and pushes his plate away. I will continue to eat if it’s there. I will eat it because it’s weighed and measured and part of my count, whether I’m hungry or not, it’s mine to eat, dammit. So, I’ve removed the, “I can have that ice cream because I have the calories” thought and replaced it with, “Do I actually want the ice cream, or am I eating it because I have the calories and feel justified in it?” I’ve made great choices thus far (granted it’s only Tuesday). I meal prepped on Sunday with the notion that I wouldn’t be tracking. This is very much back to the Intuitive Eating method that I’ve wanted to do, but in all honesty, it’s very scary.
Emmie mentioned how her previous bucket list was a majority of weight related items but this time it’s not. I couldn’t agree more. My previous bucket list was solely around my weight. It’s really refreshing to look at my current bucket list and see that it’s simply focused on being healthy and leading a healthy lifestyle full of balance and moderation.
What’s on your bucket list?