I believe I’ve mentioned ED to y’all before. ED is the controlling dickhead in my life. He judges me when I pick something less than healthy to eat. He mocks me when I start to feel good about myself. He dictates when and how much I should eat. He’s brutally mean to me and speaks to me in a way I’ve never let anyone else. ED is my Eating Disorder.
I now know and understand that I have an eating disorder. I waffled on that one for a while because it’s not the stereotypical Eating Disorder. I’m not the thin, gaunt girl on Thinspiration boards – though I won’t lie – I have looked at them. I’m the pleasantly plump, over the top, brazen bitch that fights her inner demon while worried about if our table orders the small or large cheese dip – no jalapenos, eats a ton, gets really upset after and spends hours trying to figure out how many calories are in it and how much exercise it’ll take to burn them off. Thankfully, ED is not nearly as active in my life at the moment, but I know much like any addiction, ED is always looming in the back of my head waiting for an opportunity to pounce and tell me how shitty I am. Currently, ED is hog tied in the back of the Healthy Living Wagon that I’m driving.
Over the weekend, Alicia (bff) and I took a stroll down memory lane and read through some of my old journals as a child. Parts of it broke my heart. At the ripe age of 12/13 years old, I wrote this in my bomb-ass Keroppi the Frog diary:
and
Also, interesting that at barely 13 I was already having sleep issues. Then at 16 I wrote:
I’ve been battling the scale and ultimately myself for a very long time. ED has been in my life for a very long time. This line stuck out to me, “I would do anything to be skinny for just one day. Just one. Just to know how it feels.” Honestly, I still don’t know what “skinny” feels like, but I do know what healthy feels like. I like “healthy.” I am finally healthy. I just wish I could tell my 12 year old self to get off the damn scale and go play outside – like a kid.
ED is chomping at the bit this week. We found out that Bliss (my cat of 8.5 years) has kidney failure. Needless to say, I am not coping well. Between my miscarriage, my grandma, the basement catastrophe, my car getting hit, a multitude of other things, and now Bliss, all within 4 months, I just can’t take another effed up event. I’m taking him to our old (preferred) vet tomorrow for a second opinion. We’ve already given him one round of subcutaneous fluids – which means we’re putting my cat on an IV line, with an 18 gauge needle, holding him still and pumping 250ml of fluid into him, oh and rocking a sharps container at the house now. I’m praying for a miracle and a misdiagnosis because this little big ol’ baby has my heart.
I won’t lie, stress causes ED to start gnawing at the ropes, trying to creep up anyway he can – over exercising, under exercising, binging, restricting, you name it. My 30 Days of Running was turning unhealthy and obsessive, getting up at 430am to run and then again when I get home – so I switched that to 30 Days of 30 Minutes of Moving My Ass. That seems to be working a lot better. 30 minutes is usually an hour, but by choice. My weekend was gluttonous but I checked that quickly and my body feels better now. ED will not rear his ugly head this time. I love my new found sense of body acceptance and healthy living lifestyle I have far too much to let ED out again.
ThinkProgress says, according to the National Eating Disorder Association, an estimated 20 million U.S. women and an additional 10 million U.S. men will struggle with a “clinically significant” eating disorder at some point in their life. Eating disorders include anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, or what’s defined as an “other specified feeding or eating disorder” (OSFED). Although many Americans incorrectly assume that it’s easy to spot an eating disorder, the people who struggle with this condition can actually come in all types of shapes and sizes, and are typically adept at hiding their symptoms.
Thirty million Americans will suffer from an eating disorder at some point in their lifetime. Wrap your head around that. If it’s not you, someone you know has an ED in their life. Spread the word! Talk about it. The only way to get rid of all the EDs in the world is to address them.
For those of you with EDs in your life, how do you manage the beast?
Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude 
Thank you for talking about this. I appreciate your honesty about what is a very big problem in many people’s lives. The good news is that although ED will always be with you it seems like you’ve got a handle on how to keep him under control with MAE (more attentive eating). Let that new chick in your life kick that old guy’s ass! Because let’s be honest, MAE is one sexy lady!
I have a problem with sugar that I would call close to an addiction. The rush from sugar and the emotional aspects are something I’m working on as well.
You’re a lovely, healthy and inspiration woman. I’m sorry that life has thrown so much shit at you these last few months, but it can only get better from here.
OMG – I am IN LOVE with MAE! Sugar is a legit addiction though. I read somewhere that sugar is 8 times more addictive than cocaine.
I appreciate your kind words. I’m on my 3rd set of the Rhythm of Threes with bad luck – so it has to be done now, right? FOREVER done. lol
I’m sorry to hear about your cat. He’s lucky to have people that care about him so much. I had a cat that also suffered from kidney failure and we had to put him to sleep. I just wanted to tell you that this isn’t your fault and please do not blame yourself for this. I did for a very long time.
You’re so honest, I love that about you. It’s really inspiring – like I said many times before.
I really hope your cat will get well, let’s hope that second opinion is a good one. Have you considered special food? That might help a bit..
I’m crossing my fingers, hang in there!
Thank you so much. His numbers are crazy high (yet) which is why I’m seeking a second opinion. And yes, I’m already blaming myself. lol. So, thanks. ❤
Thank you. Yeah, he’s currently on a Kidney Disease wet food, along with his dry food. He’s very finicky and is only eating a few bites of the new wet stuff.
ED has two extremes. The thin – I’m gonna throw up to be thin, and the FAT – the I’m gonna eat so much that you can’t get me out of a house with a forklift.
Somehow people don’t think that you can have ED unless you are on one of those extremes. The fact of the matter is that it exists in all realms of weight.
I love your honesty, and commitment to trying to do the right thing. It is really hard because I am an emotional eater, and completely understand that.
Good luck and I’ll be sending comfort your way. I hope your fluff ball of love is comfortable and happy.
You are so right – we live in an extremist world so the middle ground people are often not noticed.
I do appreciate your kind works and he is quite the fluff ball of love. As long as he’s comfortable and not suffering I’m a happy mama.
I remember having journal entries just like that! It is crazy that I cared more about being “thin” when I was so much younger. It really makes me sad to know that so many of the little girls I see are having those same negative thoughts.
-Jona
Hmm cats will be cats…
I’m so sorry about Bliss. 😦 You’ve had a lot of tough things going on.
I’ve never thought about ED’s in the way they are defined. I knew about anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder but didn’t now about OSFED. It makes sense, though. There are so many ways to have disordered eating besides those first three. I wondered about myself last year and was thinking I had binge eating disorder but of course I didn’t fit the description just right so then I wondered if that meant I didn’t have a disorder even though it was clear there was something seriously disordered going on.
Haha I had a bomb-ass Hello Kitty diary growing up. But in the end my favorite Sanrio character has always been Badtz Maru. Keroppi’s pretty cool.
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Thank you, thank you – we should get definitive blood work results back in a week.
I LOVED Sanrio growing up. haha. Badtz was also pretty damn cool.
Yeah, it’s really interesting. I don’t particularly recall any of those entries, but I remember my weight bothering me. It wasn’t about “health” for me as a child, but being “skinny.” I can vividly recall my bestfriend having a neon green string bikini and me being envious of not being “skinny enough” to wear it. Looking back, while I wasn’t the ideal size to wear it – it also wasn’t exactly appropriate to wear. LOL. Oh how our minds change.
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