Lent is when I determine which addictions I may still have some control over….

Disclaimer: I am going to piss some people off. My bad.

…and I also don’t do the whole lent thing. (I was born and raised Catholic for 18 years. And the day I turned 18 my mom stopped going to mass and proclaimed it was all a sham so I could have the opportunity to believe. Needless to say, I never went back. ) However, I will say that thinking about addictions and control over them is very interesting to me. I am an all or nothing kind of person, very black and white. My husband describes me as intense. I agree. Back to addictions…alright, stay with me people!

I work out at LA Fitness 4-5 days a week (this will clearly be a 4 day week, as my big ass turned the alarm off this morning.) There is a woman there that is around my age and has also lost over 100lbs. Now, she’s like nine feet eighty seven inches tall so she carries her weight much differently than my five foot five ass, but she has lost over 100lbs nonetheless. (Mad props to her.) It’s always interesting talking to other people that have lost that kind of weight because every one’s journey is so different. We were discussing how we’ve done it. Me: a hodge podge of shit including dieting (calorie counting, Weight Watchers and Atkins) and exercising. (I do something for a while and when I get bored of it I switch it around. Sometimes switching it around means binging and eating excessive amounts of cheese dip and regaining 20lbs. Such is life…) She told me that she does Weight Watchers and Over-eaters Anonymous. Oh yes, my friends, OA. Have you any idea about this? Why are all of the people on the main page skinny?  

I would like to take an exerpt from OA and disect it a bit:

Is Overeaters Anonymous for ME? I dont know! Let’s find out!

 

 

Have you ever wished you could lose ten pounds, twenty, forty or a hundred or more? Have you ever wished that once you got it off you could keep it off? Why yes, yes I have. Ok. I’m with you so far.Have you ever felt out of step with the world, have you sometimes felt like a homeless orphan without a place to really belong?  Blindsided! Not expecting this one. Side note: aren’t orphans usually skinny?  

Have you ever wished your family would get to work or school so that youcould get busy eating? Wait…What? I don’t even know how to answer this one. Do people do this? I’ve never been like, “Well baby, mommy needs to get to eating some twinkie’s wrapped in bacon so get the fuck out and go to school!”

Have you ever awakened first thing in the morning and felt happy becauseyou remembered that your favorite goodies were waiting for you in the fridge in the cupboard? No, no I haven’t. I’ve woken up hungry, but never legitmately excited and happy that I have “goodies” waiting for me. In my brain, I am picturing these little dancing blobs (think Mucinex germs with the briefcases and hats and shit) holding up some double stuffed oreos singing “I’m Sexy and I know it” by LMFAO, thrusting their little fat blobby pelvises forward. Now, if I ever opened my pantry and encountered that then yes, I would be pumped when I woke up. 

  
Have you ever wanted to hide in the house without getting cleaned up orgetting dressed without seeing anyone, and without letting anyone see you? Have you ever hidden food under the bed, under the pillow, in a drawer, inthe bathroom, the wastebasket or in the car? So that you could eat without letting anyone see you?  I think they just asked, “Have you ever wanted to stop bathing and putting clothes on in secret and then not let ANYONE know that you’re a funky smelly mess?”  I would like to break this one up, too. To answer the next question I just need to know do people really hide food in the trashcan? Is that a thing?

Have you ever sobbed out your misery in the dark just because no oneloved or understood you? Have you ever felt that God (if he existed at all) made His biggest mistake when He created you? I’m not even touching this with a 90 foot pole.

Did you ever want to get on a bus and just keep going without ever oncelooking back? Did you do it? Did someone do this? Why would this work? Would you entering some weird time warp bus and then travel to a land of super  monster obese fatties that TLC can’t even capture on TV, therefore making you the thinnest Lord in the Land of Fatties?

Have you ever lied to yourself or another about what you ate or how much you ate of it? “Hey babe, did you just eat a gallon of ice cream?” – looking at the empty gallon… “No, definitely did not just eat that gallon of ice cream. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

Have you ever worn a mask, or hundreds of masks because you were surethat if you shared the person you really were, no one could ever love oraccept you? Oh, you didnt mean literally? My chubby brain has left me in a fog. What kind of question is this?

No matter who you are, where you are coming from, or where you are heading, you are welcome and accepted here. No matter what you have done, no matter what you have felt or haven’t felt, no matter where you have slept or who you have slept with, OK. Cool. Kinda creepy. no matter whether you have loved or hated, we extend acceptance. We accept you as you are today, not as you may be tomorrow. Only you can decide what you want to be. We will rejoice with you, and if you slip, we will tell you that we are not failures just because we sometimes fail. We will stand beside you as you pull yourself back up and walk on again to where you are heading. You’ll never have to cry alone again, unless you choose to. Sometimes we fail to be all that we should be and sometimes we aren’t there to give you all you need from us, accept our imperfections. That’s what we are in O.A., imperfect, but trying. Let’s rejoice together in our efforts and the  assurance that we can have a home if we want one. An O.A. home. Welcome to it. If I had only read this part and not the questions, maybe I could look past the creepy comment regarding who I sleep with. But I can’t. Sorry.

 

 

My issue with most of this is that it portrays fat people as powerless, pathetic blobs that are unable to cope with life. Maybe I just dont relate to other fatties because I never sat alone in my car binging on 87 Big Macs or hiding them in the trashcan so I can eat them later, but I find this hard to believe. Nor have I tried to get people to leave so I could eat. I have never ever for one minute felt like a homeless orphan either. Fat people are not stupid or helpless, they struggle with making good decisions, some more than others and some people’s food issues are genetics, some are luck of the draw, some are a lack of education, etc. etc. I know a lot of fatties and to be honest, I dont know a one that would qualify for Overeater’s Anonymous according to those questions.

My issue is that I struggle with consistency because I am black and white and intense. My issue is that I have terrible genetics. My issue is that I’m afraid of what I can do when I hit my goal. It’s unknown and it’s a body I’ve never met. I’ve never seen the scale below 215lbs and it scares the shit out of me, (in fact I fully believe I popped out of my mom’s vag at 215lbs singing and dancing and just being generally fabulous.) It’s exciting and thrilling, but nervewracking and petrifying.

Back to the girl at the gym. She wants me to go to OA with her one day. She’s said it made a huge difference for her: connecting the emotional and spiritual aspect. That sounds nice, connecting the emotional aspect, but christ almighty, I just dont think I could sit through this without being enraged. I’m about empowerment. I use the word fat because it takes the power back from the insult. Words only have as much power as you give them. I am not defined by adjectives, but actions.

So, big ups to the girl at the gym, you do you at OA, but I’ll do me when I’m out there climbing a bitch of a hill on my bike or running through a cool breeze just taking it all in, knowing that I’ve never been able to do this before. I’ll reconnect with my skinny bitch through pushing my body and my limits.

 

 

As a side note: I’m overwhelmed by the responses on my first post. How flattering! (If only you all knew me in real life.) Is there a way I can add people to follow? Or click on a link to take me to “friends?” It sure would make stalking people easier.

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2 thoughts on “Lent is when I determine which addictions I may still have some control over….

  1. Interesting!! I think some people do have these problems. However,I do not understand them either. I’m not “addicted to food” I mean,I like it….a lot,but I would never hide food,nor do I think about food constantly. I’m just a regular girl,who enjoys a nice culinary experience! There are many people who do struggle with being addicted. I think if you know the root of why you are overweight,that’s when you can move forward. For myself,I just made bad choices… Because,let’s face it,bad food tastes good! I would say O.A is probably not for you. As you do not have any symptoms of an addicted eater. Which you obviously have figured out yourself.

  2. OA may want to “adjust” their criteria…But an addiction and a history of bad health decisions are very different. You are ready, willing, and actively pursuing a new lifestyle. You’re there! Just don’t let that girl at the gym see your Clif Bar…or you may have to untape it from the trash can lid tomorrow.

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