I keep starting an entry and then stopping. I keep typing and then deleting. Let’s face it – it’s hard to write in a healthy living blog when your current idea of exercise is getting up to go to the fridge.
I bought up in sizes. Something I vowed to never do again. A promise I made to myself and have since broken. I accepted that I’m no longer a 12 and bought an 18/20. I cried. A lot. Multiple times. Kevin found me in the closet boo-hoo’ing my eyes out. I worked so long and so hard for that size 12 body, and it’s not even the size that is destroying my confidence, it’s how my body feels. I felt good at a size 12. My body performed well. But now, I’m sluggish, my back hurts, I don’t feel physically strong. I HATE this feeling. Everything is harder. It’s the lack of exercise that’s doing it to me.
Again, I’m in the catch 22 with breastfeeding and my supply. I’d gotten to such a low point about how I look and feel now that I honestly considered switching to formula just so I could diet hardcore again. I realized that’d be a pretty selfish move on my behalf, so instead of sitting around like a sad sack a rooni, I did what I do best: got a little crazy.
Y’all know I have an excel spreadsheet fetish like nobodies business. So, I’ve starting tracking my output with pumping to truly measure my supply. I do a lot of mixing to make certain sized bottles, so admittedly, it can be hard to keep up with exactly how much I’m pumping. On the days Brooke is at school Tues/Thurs, I pump about 12-12.5 ounces the entire day, including my night pump after she goes to bed. On the days I am pumping outside of nursing exclusively I am getting about 5-6oz if I pump 3 times a day. This is giving me basically exactly what I need to send her to school with two 5oz bottles and give her a 5oz bottle before bed. I have a whole lactation ritual that includes lactation foods, goats rue, mothers milk tea, gatorade, etc. It seems to be working.
Now, I tell you all of this so I can follow it up with I’m tracking intensely so I can see if it’s an actual hit I take when exercising or just in my head since I know she’s small (4th percentile at her 4month appt) and I worry tremendously.
So, needless to say, it’s been a really tough month body image wise for me. I’ve had to go back and re-read many of my encouraging and uplifting body image entries but at the end of each one find myself laughing and saying “yeah right” with the exception of my Machines post.
We go to the beach in 38 days (who’s counting) and I do NOT want to feel how I’m feeling about myself currently when we go. I want to go and run on the beach because I love running on the beach and not feel uncomfortable or unable. I want to go and swim in the ocean because it’s hard and a different type of workout out and not feel like I’m drowning.
I ordered the P90x3 program to do the workout portion at home. It arrives tomorrow. I found great appeal in that it cross trains, I can do it at home which means no shady gym daycare, and it’s only 30 minutes. I can throw Brooke in the pack n play and knock out 30 minutes. I’m not going to worry about my diet currently, but I want to be more active. My body is asking, no begging, to move again.
So, let’s see how this goes! Cause this shit was expensive as hell and now I feel obligated to do it.