Me: I think that I can get down to like 215 by 7/11…which would be way easier to race with.
Stend: Absolutely. Plus you’ll have so much muscles.
Me: I was 222 my first tri.
Stend: I don’t think you should even focus on the numbers. Just get that heart rate used to long activity and push yourself and you’ll do awesome.
Me: Right, I know. I’m not viewing my weight as a “number” as much as a performance level. I mean, I hated running when I weighed 202lbs, but I could do it. Running is fucking HARD at 247. Like whoa. For the first time, maybe ever, I want to lose weight solely for my athleticism. I always wanted to lose weight to be “healthy” and for vanity, but I never thought about it in a “performance” sense. This week, with training at 247lbs, I want a performance weight.
Stend: I love that perspective, that my body is a machine and I love a week into a squat challenge that I feel more rooted, like i can feel my body pushing me with every step.

My body is absolutely a machine.

And for the first time I understand that.

And for the first time I don’t have a weight loss goal, but a physical performance goal.

You hear about ideal “race weights” and athletes achieving them. I finally understand why. It’s not about weighing X amount, it’s about your physical capability at X amount. It’s about what you can push your body to do at that weight to do your personal best.

Previously my weight loss has been fueled around losing weight. I mean, that makes sense, right? For most people, that’s what it’s about. And that’s okay. When people asked me, “why do you want to lose weight?” My answer was, “to lose weight” with a strong resting bitch after.


I wanted to see the scale hit a specific number and target. To say I’d done it. To be skinny. To reach some arbitrary goal I’d set for myself without rhyme or reason.

I initially set my goal weight at 125lbs just so I could say I’d lost 200lbs. As though losing 200lbs made me better than only losing 100lbs. The girl on the left weighed 202lbs. I honestly cannot see another 77lbs coming off. 125lbs just seems silly now.

Then I said 149lbs because it was the highest “normal” BMI weight I could have.

My Doctor told me 175lbs was a good goal, so I ran with that for a while.

Now? I’m not exactly sure, but what I do know is that 247lbs is not ideal for this machine. 202lbs was better for my performance, but still not great. So, all I do know is that I want to be more than 165lbs and less than 202lbs.  Why 165lbs? 165lbs is the lowest weight you can be to qualify for the Athena Division in Triathlons. Wait, what? Triathlon talk? -insert all the mysterious musics ever-

Guys, your body is your vehicle. It will respond to however you treat it. You fuel it with junk it’ll run like junk. You fuel it properly and it’ll run properly.

This vehicle has spent the last 15 months in the garage collecting dust and random crap in my trunk. It was full of cheese dip and bourbon. It was clogged with ice cream and bread. It had become a storage unit with a rusty engine.

In the last month I have taken it out for a spin almost daily and damn it feels good to ride with the top down again. I’ve been back on Weight Watchers for 3 weeks and exercising 5-6 days a week again. I’ve been pushing my body and my mind.  With each pound that comes off  I feel my engine run a little better, a little faster. I can feel that drive and determination surface again.
In a month I have had the following changes:

  1. My sleep issues have totally cleared up. I had gotten real bad. Michael Jackson bad. I was on a whole ambien every night habit for nearly 8 months. I haven’t taken an ambien in over 3 weeks.
  2. My energy has returned. I was always exhausted but unable to sleep, (hence the Ambien addiction) before I got back on the Wellness Wagon.
  3. My mood has drastically improved. Even on my anti depressant and anti anxiety meds I was miserable. I was sad all the time, cried at the drop of a hat, and started fights over everything. My poor husband. Fortunately, I’m back to my happy, funny self. You’re welcome, world.
  4. My skin has cleared up. The amount of acne I had was comparable to a kid entering puberty. It was out of control.
  5. My confidence is slowly back. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like I can do anything. I know I am sexy. I know I am beautiful. I know I will be back to where I was in no time. I have the will power to say yes to what I need and no to what I don’t.

They always say it’s important to truly know in your heart of hearts why you want to lose weight.

And 4 years later I finally do. What about you?

Oh, and the 7/11 race? I guess you could say I’m Tri Training again.

8 thoughts on “Machines

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