Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude

I had my 20 week OB appt and Lil Baby Fat looks great! Growing like a weed and super active.

We started out Bradley Method Birthing Classes and we are more than committed than ever to a natural, unmedicated childbirth. When we left our class we had a million questions to ask our Mid Wife to make sure our birth plan would be followed. After I asked all of my questions at my appointment the following conversation ensued:

MidWife: You know you’ve gained 15lbs, right?

Me: Yes, I’m very aware. I’m not naive to the fact that my weight will bring complications, so I’m super conscious of it.

MidWife: Well, I only want you to gain 25lbs so you’re more than half way there… *insert super condescending tone* Can you think of anything in your diet that you can eliminate that’s maybe causing this excess weight gain?

Me: No, I’m eating pretty healthily. I don’t cave to every craving, but sure, I do have some. I’m walking every night. I’m not as active as I was pre-pregnancy, but then again I had just finished training for a half marathon that I ran the day we found out I’m pregnant. I’m still having some “morning” sickness that’s exacerbated by exercise.

MidWife: How about we start you on some drugs for your morning sickness then so you can do more?

Me: No, it’s getting better. I’d rather not take anything.

MidWife: It’s a class A. Do you know what that means?

Me: Yes, and I still don’t want it. I’ll just ride this out. It’s not every day now and like I said, I’m still walking.

MidWife: Well, due to your weight I’d like you to take an early OGTT to screen for gestational diabetes. Can you come back tomorrow?

Me: Uhhh..yeah, that’s fine.

MidWife: Okay, I’ll be right back with the drink.

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WHAT.THE.FUCK? 

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I kept my shit together in the room, but as soon as we hit the car I lost it. As seen in my previous post, I’m really struggling with the whole fact that I’m gaining any weight, as it is. I honest to God thought 15lbs was good for 20 weeks. At the end of my first trimester my OB said I’d gained 5lbs and that was fine. My appointment before this one, 6’ish weeks ago I’d gained a total of 12lbs to date and that was fine. So, suddenly 15lbs was too much? The whole reason I ever lost any weight was to avoid this happening. I already weighed way more, 45lbs ,more, than I wanted to when we got pregnant this time.

Am I suppose to lose weight now? Not gain anymore?

We got home from the appointment and I went upstairs and buried my head in my pillow as I cried it out. Kevin came into the bedroom and wrapped his arms around me and just said, “Whatcha doing?”

“Having a pity party for myself.”

“Am I invited?” He asked, as he hugged me tighter.

“Always.”

We laid there in silence for 15 minutes before I rolled over to face him and said, “It just fucking sucks, Kevin.”

“I know.”

And he does. He knows how hard weight loss is for me. He knows how hard I’ve worked. He’s been a part of this journey and I think it was hard for him to see me so broken from her comments. In 5 years I haven’t had a single one of my DRs comment on my weight because they all know how much I’ve lost and how active I am. I haven’t been faced with the fat bias in the medical world.

At dinner I picked and ate half my plate. It wasn’t intentional or in attempt of anything. I just really wasn’t hungry and was totally bummed about the day. Kevin just looked at me and said, “Please don’t do this.”

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Yesterday I went to their other location for my OGTT and this happened:

They started working me up for another full 20 week appointment.

Me: I thought I was just doing an OGTT? I had a full 20 week appointment yesterday.

RN: Really? Why are you doing an early OGTT?

Me: The midwife said I’d gained too much weight. I’ve only gained 15lbs. To be honest, I was so upset that I meant to ask her a million questions after she said that. Like, am I suppose to lose weight now? Do I try to stay the same? I’ve lost over 100lbs before getting pregnant. I know how to lose weight and gain weight, but I don’t really know how to stay the same weight.

RN: *WITHOUT LOOKING AT MY CHART* Oh, you saw Marianne. She’s like that. She comes across that way. My rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t gain more pounds than more weeks that you are. So, you’re 20 weeks and have gained what? 15lbs? Yeah, you’re fine. I wouldn’t worry about it.

Me: She made it seem like I won’t be able to have a natural, unmedicated birth because of my weight. To be honest, it was super disappointing yesterday. The reason I love this practice so much is because it’s so body positive. Yesterday was the first day I’ve ever left the office and felt like shit about myself.

RN: Wow. I’m really sorry. The good news is that the midwives rotate, so just request not to see her again and see someone else.

Me: Yeah? I can do that?

RN: Absolutely. Since you’re here and have already drank the glucose, we’ll go ahead and test you. I wouldn’t have otherwise.

We talked a bit more about my journey, my weight loss, my athleticism, etc. She told me she didn’t think I’d have a problem with an unmedicated birth. She told me that an unmedicated birth is about endurance and a lot of plus size women just don’t have the endurance. It’s compared to running a marathon. She reiterated again that she didn’t think I’d struggle.

It was wild the two differences in opinions. It was also a good reminder that I need to trust in myself and enjoy this journey. I’ve never wanted skinny – I’ve just wanted healthy.