Gutted

I guess there is no easy way to say this. It happened again. We made it to 5 weeks this time. We found out at 3w3d, told our immediate family at 4 weeks and had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. I was going to tell the rest of our family on Christmas and tell y’all the day after. My betas were doubling. I was exhausted, already enjoying a touch of morning sickness, and my boobs were sore. Everything looked good; everything felt good, but something went terribly awry. I can’t help but blame myself and wonder if my fall played a role in this.

The miscarriage started Saturday. I went pee and noticed a light pink discharge and a tiny tiny clot, the size of an eye lash. I tried to calm myself down. My parents were with me. My eldest nephew was with me. I was at home, about to leave for one of the boy’s football games. I told my mom and decided to stay home. Keep my feet up. Rest. Take a nap. So, I did. I laid on the couch all afternoon. I lightly traced my fingers on my belly and talked to the baby. I told the baby how much I already loved him/her. Everything I read online says it’s common to have a little 1st trimester spotting. I talk myself off the ledge. The bleeding seemed to have stopped and I brought Kevin up to speed since he was in LA, boarding his plane to come home. I thought we were in the clear and everything was fine now. No more spotting, nothing. Somewhere around 6pm, as Kevin was driving home from the airport, the bleeding came out of nowhere. The clots, the heavy, heavy bleeding, the cramps. I knew it was over. I wiped my eyes, placed my hand on my belly and whispered, “You can go be with TC now.” (We called the first baby we lost TC)

I’ve called my OB’s office this morning to let them know. I’m calling a Reproductive Endocrinologist today to start that process.

I’m trying to stay strong. I’m trying to remain optimistic for the future. I’m trying to stay in control. I’m trying not to fall apart. But at the end of the day, I’m gutted.

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17 thoughts on “Gutted

  1. So sorry for your loss. It’s ok to be gutted, it’s ok to feel like you’re falling apart. You will fall apart for a little while. But you have been through this war zone before and survived, and you will survive again. Big hugs x

  2. Sending you every ounce of love and peace I have. I’m so sorry. And I’m in awe of your bravery in telling us. I’m praying that you stay hopeful, despite your sad heart. I believe motherhood is in your future…I hope you continue to believe that, too. Hang in there, friend. ❤

  3. My heart goes out to you and your family.
    We suffered four miscarriages before successfully giving birth to my daughter. I went through all the tests and got no answers. It was and is one of the worst experiences I’ll ever have, so my thoughts are with you in this tough time. It is such a great loss. Take lots of time to heal and grieve.

    I know you might not want to hear it, but there are a few things that I did that helped me to maintain my fifth pregnancy and eventually have my daughter. If your ever want to email or chat, feel free to email me.

  4. This time I have cried for you. Quite a bit. Out of frustration, sadness, helplessness. This isn’t what you deserve, isn’t a correct response to how hard you have worked, how good you are, how loving, giving, warm, and reliable.

    I know (you know) we can’t think in terms of fairness, or reward. It’s not a punishment. It’s just a thing, that just is happening. Because who knows why.

    I love you so much, and I’m breathing with you, and that’s all we can do right now.

  5. I just want to say you are an inspiration to all women. I am sat here with tears in my eyes for you. My sister had a miscarriage at 5 and a half months. It was horrible. My thoughts and condolences are with you. I can never imagine the hurt you must feel but know that you are not alone. We are all here for you and the little ones are in the best place. What is meant to be will be; just know that. Thinking of you at this tough time xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  6. I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard to make yourself believe it-but I don’t think that fall could have done it. That early in a pregnancy the embryo is so well protected that a fall wouldn’t really do anything. Thinking of you. Try not to blame yourself.

  7. I just came across your blog and am sending you lots of love! I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve posted about my experiences with miscarriage too, in case you ever want to read someone else’s story. Other people’s stories always tend to make me feel “normal.” Stay strong and best wishes!

  8. I am sorry for your loss. I pray you be filled with peace and faith. Allow yourself to grieve. Cry when you need to and then get back up again and face life with a positive perspective. Stay strong!

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