It feels like 2013 has barely begun, yet, here I am 2 short days away from 2014 slapping me in the face. 2013 has brought so many ups and downs. So many curve balls. So many tragedies and so many blessings. I sit here wondering what my “Resolutions” will be this year and this is all that I can think of:
As I type this, my Mother has gone home to help my Aunt transition my Grandmother into hospice. This doesn’t seem possible, as I spent most of my summers growing up in Vermont with my Grandmother. But now the woman I spent so much time with isn’t the woman I remember. She has Alzheimer’s and is 94. The cycle of life scares the shit out of me, honestly.I can make sense of death in my rational mind, but my emotional mind just can’t understand. I cannot fathom falling asleep and not seeing another day. I am not a religious woman, but I pray my Grandmother finds comfort and peace as she transitions into the unknown. I pray she feels no pain and fear. I pray she has no regrets. I pray she knows how much I love her. I am grateful that she will no longer have pain.
I worry for my Mother because she is the most incredible person I have ever known, and I don’t say that because she is my Mother, I say that because I have never met a kinder, gentler, more thoughtful soul. It is so hard to see someone so loving and happy hurt so much. I wish I could take her hurt and pain away like she’s done for me for the last 30 years, but I can’t. She’s a Nurse and understands the cycle of life very well, but like she said to me, “It’s still my Mother.” Alicia and I were discussing the other day about how much we enjoy just being around my mom because no matter how terrible your day has been she always makes you feel happy inside. It’s impossible to be upset around her. She always helps you see the bigger picture. She is always in your corner and will tell you what you may not want to hear, but need to hear. My Mother has numerous children, though only two biologically hers, but people that go to her for support, advice, guidance, because she is always spot on. People that find comfort and warmth in her hugs and joy in her presence. My mom is a forgiver. She never holds a grudge and will unconditionally love you. My mother is strong. She has been through more than any one person should and she has not let it define her, but give her the strength to be a better person. My mom takes care of herself and is still extremely active – more so than me. She is beautifully optimistic and rarely sees the bad in anyone. She doesn’t get angry, she tries to understand their perspective. I guess you could say my mom is one hell of a woman.
The older I get, the more I start to see my mother in the mirror. The older I get the more I love what I see in the mirror. This year my resolution is to be more like my mother: forgiving, loving, supportive, happy, grateful, joyous, and beautiful. She is my ultimate hero. This year I vow to fix the inside, while working on the outside. This year I will be patient with myself as we try to conceive and my body changes again. I will forgive when wronged and love when faced with anger. I will try to understand others before casting judgement. I will work through my emotions and deal with them head on (instead of eating them.) I’ll forget the quick fix and strive for the long term. Most importantly, I’ll be sure those that I love know how much I love them – unconditionally. Especially since I could not have gotten through this year without them. This Holiday season has been exceptionally hard since I would have been half way through the pregnancy and showing – wearing the Christmas Maternity clothes I have in my closet. People have no idea how much a smile, a hug, even just a comment or message can mean when you’re struggling to make it to the end of the day after a loss. That’s all of you… Every comment/email/FB message/like I’ve gotten from everyone I’ve never met and those that I have: Alicia, Powers, Carbo’s, Kenney’s, Barbour’s, Maurice’s, Sanders’, etc. Even those of you from my childhood (Clare T and Sarah R) that have seen me grown/evolve and have “liked” and/or commented. Please know all of you are loved. This year, I will show it better.
In closing, if, when we have children, I can be half the mother to my children that my mother has always been to me, I will consider myself a success. I’m looking forward to 2014 and what life has to hold.