Oh boy

…this ain’t gonna be pretty.

Kevin was in the shower and I was putting on my favorite bathing suit ever. It was so big I couldn’t wear it and while that should have made me happy it didn’t. It had the fancy built in bra and everything. Well, not only was the body part huge on me, but the cups were gaping. I could make a fist and put them in the cup. This was a tough pill to swallow. I quickly took it off and put on my other suit that I’ve never really been crazy about. Also too big, but at least I could make it work for one day at the pool.

As I tied it as tight as I could I realized I was crying. I sat down in front of the full length mirror and just balled. I couldn’t catch my breath. Mascara everywhere. A hot crying mess. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t see all of my hard work. All I saw was the damage I’d done to my body. I saw loose skin and “areas of improvement.” Kevin was in for quite the surprise when he found me sobbing hysterically, apologizing over and over again. I don’t know why or really even know who I was apologizing to.

Maybe because I realized I’ll never be able to confidently wear a bikini no matter what my size is unless I have surgery. I can remember being 12 and my best friend had a neon green string bikini. I would do hundreds of crunches every night trying so desperately to look like her. I’ve never worn a bikini.

Perhaps partially because Kevin and I had been arguing about me not being able to loosen up and have fun anymore because I’m so overly fixated on my weight, my calories, my scale, my intake. I know it’s hard to live with. I feel bad. I know my relationship with food and exercise is borderline insane.

Maybe because I’m getting to that unhealthy thing where I start doing crazy things in attempt to see change, knowing in the back of my head that it won’t work. It never does, but I still do it.

Not to mention I’m beyond stressed with this whole house buying thing. We’re scheduled to close in 17 days and move in 19 days. I also had nearly $1k worth of car issues in the last week and a sick cat…and my period.

I guess it all just hit me. Between packing, running, hooking up utilities, running, getting the cat to the vet, running, having my car fixed, running, work, running, hiring movers, running and running I haven’t had a minute to breath and it all just hit me.

Yesterday I bought a new bathing suit. A size Large. Fits perfectly and I liked what I saw in the mirror again. We all get to have sad days, right?

2 thoughts on “Oh boy

  1. Well done for picking yourself up and moving on. Weightloss can be such an emotional topic for so many of us. Sometimes the changes that come with losing weight can be just as tough to deal with as the consequences of gaining weight.

    Four/five years ago, I lost enough weight to wear UK size 6-8 trousers (I think that’s a US 2-4 – I had 33″ hips), but I had some emotional issues and put a lot of weight back on. Now I’d love to lose weight, but I don’t allow myself to stay on a diet because I’m so afraid of failure. I’ve lost weight in the past, so I ought to be able to do it again. By staying fat, I can make excuses for not being able to do what I want to, such as running faster. I can also turn to food when I’m stressed instead of dealing with the problem.

    It sounds like you’ve got lots of challenges in the next three weeks – good luck. I’m sure you’ll get through them – you just have to be kind to yourself! x

  2. Agreed, it’s interesting because I’ve found I was way more confident in a size 24W than I am in a 12. LOL. I knew my size 24W body and wasn’t fixated on my body like I am now. Things like my run pace and diet weren’t my concern, hell – they never crossed my mind.

    I’m working on being kind to myself. Much harder than it sounds though.

    Thanks. I needed that. ::hugs::

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