Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been here….

The last time I was here I weighed 216, I got down to 210 and then went through some shit and now I’m back at 226. I’ve started Synthroid and I tried out for a work related “The Biggest Loser” program called Slimpossible. I was not chosen. I’m not sure why/how I wasnt chosen, as my application was quite compelling and intense.

Where do I begin? I grew up in a culinary family with a very health conscious mother that works out, and still works out two to three times a day and a culinary father with whom I learned all things delicious and nutritious, but not moderation or portion control. I guess now I am the best and worst of them both: a love/hate relationship with exercise and a love/love relationship with food.

My earliest memories include me eating Doritos on my Daddy’s lap while watching the 3 Stooges, making homemade popcorn with butter drizzled all over it, making fruit salad with my mom, learning how different foods combine and mix and what flavors go together. Then I was old enough to have chores where one of them was preparing a meal 3 days a week during the summer…and if one tablespoon of butter is good, why wouldn’t 5 tablespoons be amazing? My dad owned restaurants all over the world. My brother cooks. My mother cooks. We are a bunch of cookin’ fools. We host events, we cook for family and friends. We celebrate food.

I played soccer growing up so I was extremely active, but I fell in love with the arts and started singing Opera. I stopped playing soccer when I get serious into Opera, but didn’t stop eating. When I stopped playing soccer four times a week I put all of my weight on. In 5 years, I was the fat, outgoing, funny girl at graduation that peaked at 325lbs with the blink of an eye. At 18 and 325lbs I was confident, but I wasn’t healthy and I recognized that, but not much changed until my birth control changed. I lost 100lbs over about 4 years without much effort at all. I saw the weight was coming off so I watched what I ate and exercised a little, and by a little, I mean I took the stairs…sometimes… Then for about 5 years all I’ve done is lose and gain, lose and gain…and it’s exhausting. At one point I was back up to 285lbs.  I’m not that confident 18 year old anymore. I worry about my health, I worry about my future, I worry. I’ve stayed under 230 for the past two years and then this past year I’ve gotten down to 210lbs, but now I’m back up to 224lbs and I can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve made the healthier changes and make all “light” foods. I eat my salads, I make my own ranch with greek yogurt, I only buy light mayo and light butter, etc. etc. But truth be told, I need help with learning moderation, learning portion control, and learning to say no. I’ve said yes for far too long.

This year I committed to staying active no matter what. And I have. I work out 4-5 times a week. I spin, I dance, I run, I swim, I cycle.  I’ve run/jogged/walked three 5ks, one 10k, completed the super sprint PTC tri, and now I’m doing a real sprint tri in August. My mom is supportive and does some races with me. My best friend is supportive and trains with me. My husband is ridiculously supportive and also trains/does races with me.

My support system is all in a healthy/normal weight range. They want to lose those 10 vanity pounds, where as I could still lose 100 pounds and still be in a normal weight range. It can be hard exercising with people that don’t have worry about things like inner thigh chaffing and rolls just’a bouncing away. Sure it motivates me and pushes me, but let’s be honest, I can’t keep their pace and it’s down right embarrassing when they offer to “keep my pace” and then they don’t even break a sweat while I’m gasping for air and counting the seconds to my eminent death.

I’ve got the exercise down, I’ve got family and friends that love and support me, but….

Hi, I’m Danielle and I’m a foodie: I cook, I eat, I discover, I over indulge, I comfort, I celebrate, I love. I’m an addict. And I’m desperate. Please help me.

Yep, intense, right? Still wasn’t chosen. However, with support from everyone I know I am running my own “Thinspiration Camp: where calories go to die” to get me back on track.

The last I wrote I was 77 days away from my first ever triathlon and now I’m doing another triathlon (1/3 mile swim,  14mile bike, 3.1 run) in…FOUR days. FML. I am so not ready. I hurt my knee running a 10k over a month ago and it’s still not in great shape. Anyhow, here’s the recap on my first every tri:

It was AWESOME….when I wasn’t dying.

I was number 858 (out of over 1000.) The transition area was pretty overwhelming, as there were over 1000 bikes! I felt pretty confident going into the water, but it was about 100 yards in that I felt a nice swift kick to my left cheek and all of the air in my lungs escape. As I came up for a much needed, panicked breath, upon inhaling I found water, not air in my lungs….. I doggy paddled for a solid 100 yards and prayed to God I didn’t die. You might have thought this was a scene out of the Titanic, as there were actually people screaming “Help!” and panic everywhere. I got myself together and finished….about 8 minutes behind my typical pace…but I finished. I ran to the transition area and coughed the whole damn way trying to catch my breath.

I found my bike and it was at this point I decided this was the worst idea of my life and I was ready to quit. I sucked it up and made my way out of the transition area with my bike. I heard this faint yelling that sounded identical to Kevin (my husband) saying, “Go baby! You can do it! I love you!” from the crowds and was 100% sure I was hallucinating since I had told him he didn’t need to come. Sure enough, it was him. Just when I needed it! I threw my water bottles that were in my way at him to hold and then I whizzed past him on the bike, and by whizzed, I mean gasped for air and was going approximately .0003 miles an hour. Regardless, I got my big ass up the hill and took off. I felt most comfortable on my bike, oddly enough, especially since it has given me the most problems. Every time I wanted to quit and hop off I reminded myself that Kevin was there to cheer me on and I had support….so I kept on keeping on. I ended my bike portion about 5 minutes later than I had hoped for, but my transition into the corral off my bike was ridiculously smooth and I’m fairly convinced people had to have been impressed….and if they weren’t I sure in hell was.

I unclipped my helmet and had someone yell at me to reclip. Let me tell you, trying to clip a helmet, take off you gloves and run with a bike is impossible. My legs came off the bike and they were like jello. One step…two steps…three steps…run… Negative. There was no running in that transition. I held my clip together and hopped for the best. I looked around, took a deep breath and started on my run….in 100% the wrong direction. One of the officials turned me around and got me started in the right direction. Again, Kevin was right there. He handed me my water bottles and told me he loved me and I took off.

My run was a nightmare. I’d gotten my run time down to a 12 minute mile (which isn’t impressive for most people, but I’m a bigger girl and NOT a runner, by any stretch of the imagination.) I was not able to do a 12 minute mile…in fact, I sustained a 17 minute mile, alternating between jogging and speed walking. I was 100% convinced that I had taken the international route, as it certainly felt like I had done 6.2 miles and not 2….nope…as I got to the top of a huge hill someone yelled, “It’s ALL down hill from here!” That was clearly a metaphor and not the truth….the finish was up hill. I took a deep breath, dug in and pushed myself through the finish line with a time of 1:34:15. My goal was to do it in 1:30 but I was just damn glad it was over and I was alive! As I crossed the finish line I thought to myself, “Never again….”

And then, not even 48 hours later I had signed up for another triathlon of an even longer distance, (1/3 mile swim, 15 mile bike and a 3.1 run) in August. Kevin to sign up too! YAY!

It was grueling; it was difficult: in fact, it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, but in the 5 months I trained I gained a self confidence and pride I’ve never felt before and I lost 25 pounds. I was excited about training again and this was an amazing introduction to triathlons. I hated every minute of it while I was doing it, but I cannot explain how fantastic I felt/feel about myself after/now. I definitely learned a lot of things during the tri itself that would have been really beneficial to know beforehand. Example: I need a one piece tri-suit because the two piece moves too much. I will definitely need to get a new bike at some point. I need to hydrate more along the way. etc. etc. I think ultimately, when I am at my goal weight I will attempt an international/Olympic triathlon….maybe. That’s a 1 mile swim, 25 mile bike and a 6.2 run….and that sounds crazy just to type.

On that note, I promise to be better about writing….