Fresh Starts

5 mile runTie my shoes. Fight the dog off. Retie my shoes.

Open the front door and take a deep breath.

Stretch.

Start my running playlist.

I can do this. 

Mile One: it was fine. Yes, I was definitely slower than my 12 minute mile pace. Okay, I was a lot slower. Whatever. It’s fine. Check my phone and I’ve only gone .78 miles. Shit.

Mile Two: I get outside of my neighborhood. I’m running on a main road. For the first time I’m actually nervous while running. I’m convinced people are watching me. Judging me. Laughing at me. I was pulling at my shirt, trying to make sure it stayed down over my fat pack. I was wildly insecure.  I was walking when there were lots of cars so they didn’t see me struggle to keep my slow ass pace. It was the most self aware I think I’ve ever been while running. 47.6lbs of pure self awareness.

Mile Three: The one song I need to push me through any “wall” comes on. Eminem’s “Till I Collapse”:

‘Cause sometimes you just feel tired,
Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
And just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left

 

I find my own comfortable pace and settle in. Yo left, yo left, yo left right left.  I jog up the hills. I press repeat. Yo left, yo left, yo left right left.

Mile Four: Mostly uphill. I’m tired. I’m dragging. I’m struggling. I’m not giving up. I remind myself that I am not giving up. I remind myself that I am an athlete. I remind myself that I have run further. I remind myself that I have biked further. I remind myself that I will go further. Yo left, yo left, yo left right left. I stop worrying about my shirt and start focusing on my breathing. I focus on taking deep breaths deep into my belly instead of superficial chest breaths that require more energy.

Mile Five: I’m out of the park and back on the main road. Running toward home. I glance at my time and see how much I’d slowed down during mile 4 so I pick it back up. I ignore the cars. I run with my head held high. I think about all the smart ass responses I’ll give if anyone says anything to me. No one does. Which is almost too bad. I had some real gems.

I hit the front door feeling more accomplished than ever.

My splits were: Mile 1: 16:49; Mile 2: 17:12; Mile 3: 17:18; Mile 4: 18:56; Mile 5: 18:07

My overall pace was 17:46min/mile. Yes, it’s 05:46 slower than my best. But, it’s a start.

Running with an additional 47.6lbs is extremely difficult. In fact, I have never run at my current weight. I never picked up running until I was 233lbs. I weighed 222.8 at my first 5k (I have all my daily weigh-ins going back to Jan 2012 – don’t judge me).  I honestly don’t think I realized how much weight I gained back until this run. Until I pushed my body again.

Another start, a clean, fresh start, is Weight Watchers. My dad asked me if I’d go with him and I’m a Daddy’s Girl. I promptly went home and signed up. I lost 2.8lbs my first week back – like a boss! They asked me if I wanted to pick up where I left off in my journey or if I wanted a new weight loss log. I chose the new book. A clean slate. A fresh start.

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Fresh Starts

  1. Awesome job!! Hey it may not have been your best run, but at least you went out and did something great for yourself. Wonderful job! Keep up the fab work!

  2. Good for you! I’m glad to see you tackling everything with such a great attitude 🙂 Sometimes a fresh start is best too, so you don’t focus as much on what you did or didn’t do before

  3. Great job! Love the honesty in this post. I’ve just recently started running and its TOUGH. Being overweight is hard enough, but making yourself go outside to exercise where people can ridicule/judge takes guts. Keep it up!

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