Control

33weeksThere are stages to pregnancy and currently I’m in the “I just want to roll over comfortably, stop peeing and feel like I have some some control over my body again” stage.

I met another woman in our birthing class that has inspired me. She’s run her whole pregnancy and I’m seriously in awe. She’s given me that itch again. Can I say that I love how embracing the running community actually is? That you find another runner and it doesn’t matter that I weigh 100lbs more than her, I’m still a runner. Anyhow, because of her, I’ve even miss running. I wish I’d stuck with it my whole pregnancy, but being on bed rest initially really threw me for a loop and I just never picked it back up out of fear. And now, well, running isn’t safe for me at this point. Hell, I can’t even tie my shoes, I’m winded watching other people work out and my balance is all sorts of off. I even fell the other day – whomp whomp. Fun visual: me laying on the side walk HOPING someone saw me so they could come roll my weeble wobble ass over. No one came. I eventually got up. Baby and I are fine.

I miss my body. I miss every version of my post weight loss body currently: my tri prime body (circa 2012/2013), my almost to goal body (Sept 2013), my chubby bunny body (circa 2014), and even my sad fat body (early 2015). I’m still a solid 50lbs away from my heaviest ever, but I find myself wondering how I ever functioned at 325lbs when I feel like I can barely move at 275lbs. *choke* Yes, 275lbs. Seriously though, how did I do anything at 325lbs? Needless to say, I’m looking forward to losing the weight I’ve put on and a lot more.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m at a surprisingly good place with my body currently. I mean, I’m not thrilled with the weight gain, but I’m not falling to pieces about it anymore. I love this picture of me at 33 weeks, (currently 35.1). I felt sexy and confident, but I just miss having control over my body. I’ve only gained 28lbs in 35 weeks which I am really proud of considering how I gained 12lbs in one week on our honeymoon. Throughout pregnancy, I’ve gone from doing 12-14k steps a day to about 4-7k steps and I’m eating things I wouldn’t have even looked at pre-pregnancy.

I’ve already asked my midwife when I can start running again. She told me at 4 weeks post baby she’s okay with me briskly walking as long as I’m not bleeding a lot and 6’ish weeks to run. Which is about perfect. I love winter running. This means is that it’s time for me to come up with ways to feel in control again and formulate a game plan for post pregnancy.

After all, I did get the fancy jogging stroller I wanted.

Okay, second time moms, stop shaking your judgy heads at me and chuckling that I’m crazy to think I’ll actually be jogging with said fancy jogging stroller. This little baby in my belly makes me more determined than ever to reach my goal pace/weight/size/whatever I feel best at. I’m super fortunate in that after 12 weeks of leave I’ll be cutting my hours back and working from home Tuesdays and Thursday. My bike trainer is in my office at home. Brooke and I will settle into an exercise routine that involves starting our days with a swog (speed walk jog) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I plan on starting over. Like totally over and prepping myself for this feeling again. I’ll start c25k again. I’ll consider myself a newbie with no expectations and pure pride for just getting out there.

I’m going to rejoin the Atlanta Track Club and take full advantage of the Grand Prix Series (12 free races) to just get myself back out there. I’m definitely scared. I don’t feel fit and I hate it. God I hate it. I don’t feel like an athlete anymore. I’m hoping that feeling will return with time.

2016 will be a change. That’s for sure. I’m hoping to complete another 12 races in 12 months like I did in 2012. I’m hoping to see the weight I did in 2013. I’m hoping to run with the life lessons I learned in 2014. And I will run with a purpose named Brooke Marie to find my healthy lifestyle again in 2016.

Once the Atlanta Track Club releases the 2016 schedule I’ll start to finalize my race schedule. I’m going to approach this logically and just stick with primarily 5ks with the occasional 10k thrown in. Whenever I feel crappy about my pace I’ll blame it on the stroller.

There are a few that I’d like to run again, such as the Women’s 5k, Sprint for Cancer, the Peachtree Road Race, Strong Legs Run, and definitely the Tap N Run in November. Well shit, looks like I’ve got almost 1/2 my year planned. Boom.

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