I’m quiet because I’m still scared, honestly. I really, REALLY want to believe and know that everything is fine and this is a healthy, normal pregnancy, but it’s so hard. I’m 10 weeks tomorrow.
My insanity has no logic. I have all the symptoms and ultrasounds and heartbeats to prove that this is healthy, but I still struggle.
I have morning, noon and night nausea with vomiting thrown in if I eat red sauce, coffee or cottage cheese. Because if it lets up for more than an hour I’m convinced something is wrong. My OB says it should start to let up soon as I’m wrapping up the first trimester so Kevin keeps reminding me that the nausea will fade and I need to remember everything is okay despite it not being there.
I broke down crying when I watched the video of this 11 year old redoing Big Sean’s IDFWU video…because it was just so beautiful…and what if our daughter has mad skillz like that one day? What if? Just so beautiful…
We went in for our “Peace of Mind” Ultrasound last week and it was amazing! I mean, I was wreck the whole time, but aside from that, amazing. I’m measuring a day ahead even! The babies heartbeat was 158, and my Dr told me anything between 150 and 170 was perfect. He used words like, “Textbook” and “Million Dollars” to describe it all. Still – that doubt creeps in and I find myself beating it down.
We have our next appointment on May 19th. It’s our first trimester screen and they’ll test for any chromosomal problems. I’m really hoping that once we’re through that one I’ll be able to calm down some.
Side Note – because everything can’t be all gloomy:
I went to Motherhood Maternity last week because I’ve grown a full two cup sizes already. I’m currently wearing bras that leave terrible indentation lines that look as though my boobs have been held captive by some torture device.
I thumbed through their bras and found myself staring at a 40F thinking, “Surely this will fit.”
I get it on and get situated and my cup runneth over…badly.
The woman working there knocked at the door, “Ma’am, do you need any help?”
Me being me asked, “Do you go bigger than a 40F?”
“We have a 42F, let’s try that. I’ll get it for you.”
*puts new 42F on – the band is way too big and I have two boobs: the one inside the bra and the one outside of it.*
“Uhhh…what about a 40G?”
“Let me see.”
I open the door and all I hear her say is, “Bless your heart. You’re going to need to order something real special for those.”
It’s true. I called around. No one sells anything higher than a 40F in store. I’ve ordered a couple of 40Gs from amazon. I just don’t get it…they don’t even look that big…
Here are my growing belly pics!
Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude 
Congratulations again! I completely understand where you are coming from. I had 4 miscarriages and then got accidentally pregnant after we’d started looking into adoption. I was a nervous wreck through the pregnancy. I don’t know if you have them, but we had these 3D Ultrasound places and you could pay $11 to go and hear the heartbeat. They’d put the babe up on the screen and then the heartbeat would come through. I used to go almost weekly. It set my mind at ease for about a day or two and then the anxiety would creep back, but was so worth it. It’s hard to just trust that it’s going to be ok, but really, in the end, we have no control over it. You are doing everything right and I’m crossing everything for you that in a few months you’ll be holding a beautiful baby in your arms!!
Gah – $11??! I can’t find it cheaper than $40. Thank you! ❤
Aw you look so beautiful beautiful ultrasound!!!! So exciting!! I’m following your pregnancy I’m so excited for you!!! Next baby kicks in 2nd trimester!!! Throwing up is good!!! Good levels of HCG
Exciting stuff! Sorry to hear about the bra challenges – as someone who’s way down at the other end of the spectrum, I keep hoping that if I ever get pregnant, my books will grow!
But that sounds all good. Don’t be scared. Breathe. Actually, on that topic… There are wonderful pregnancy Yoga classes out there that are very gentle and relaxing and may help you with the fear (there are more vigorous ones, too but… Nay). Since your first trimester is soon over, you can approach the teacher and see what they can do for you to help you through with breathing and relaxation exercises. Relaxed mommy makes for healthy baby.
I totally relate to this post. By the time I had number 3 I couldn’t settle. Early in my pregnancy – about 5 weeks, I woke up to sharp agonising stomach pains. It was that which prompted me to test in the first place. When it came out positive, I spent the next 7 weeks DREADING the 12 week scan. I was convinced that the stomach pain was an early missed miscarriage and did not allow to get myself excited until I had that all important scan which revealed a healthy heart and a wriggly little person inside. I never had morning sickness with my 3 boys until the continuous onset of nausea week 16 so I didn’t have any of that “feeling pregnant” thing apart from the tiredness and sore breasts but I did have 2 other small children and was feeling hormonal after the birth of baby 2 so I still refused to believe it too much. The week before the scan I finally began to relax as I felt the early flutters but despite all my concerns I now have a happy loving 5 year old to show for it.
Lovely baby picture and you look gorgeous too xxx