Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude

My college degree is in Psychology (why? I don’t know.) and I’m doing my best to process this past week. I get it – I know the 5 stages of grief:

1. Desolation and isolation – This was at the Doctor’s on Oct 22nd.
2. Anger – This is the strangest one to me because it happened subconsciously. I actually dreamt that the Sonographer that did the Ultrasound was a serial killer and she would tell women their baby had passed away when they hadn’t so they’d have the D&C. How terrible is that?
3. Bargaining – It’s all of the “what if’s.” Fortunately, I didn’t struggle with this one. I am a paranoid person by trait and always play it safe. I literally followed all of the advice ever. I have no “what ifs” and that has brought me a lot of comfort.
4. Depression – Yes, yes and yes.
5. Acceptance – I am getting there.

I am teetering between depression and acceptance currently.  I am still sad, but I am finding a little more hope every day. Writing has always helped me process everything in my life. I have hardbound journals starting from the age of 8.

There is still a lot I don’t understand, but also a lot that I have learned:

• Support – I honestly have the best support system anyone could ask for. Ranging from family to friends to strangers. The outpouring of texts, emails, phone calls, comments and cards have been incredible. The random people checking in on us or just giving me a hug has made all of the difference. The genuine comments I’ve received here on SoMuchFattitude have done more for me than imaginable; it’s a very different kind of support when you receive it from people that you’ve never actually seen or touched. All of you have given me hope and strength. I cannot ever repay you for that.

• Marriage – I have never been more in love with my husband. I read horror stories of miscarriages tearing marriages apart. Ranging from the husband blaming the wife, to the two of them not being able to come together as a unit and cope. Crisis’ bring out the best and the worst in people. I have gotten nothing but the best. Kevin has been raw with me and also my rock. He has held me without question, listened to my irrational thoughts and reassured me to no end. He has given me permission to grieve and permission to move on when ready. He has supported my choice to share our loss with the world on SMF, opening himself up to additional phone calls and questions from the people in our lives we didn’t tell. He has been my everything through this. I married a very good man.

• Weight – I have always wondered how I’d handle being pregnant and gaining weight. I can honestly say I am glad I did not reach my goal weight before hand. I think it would have been harder mentally for me. The weight went on VERY easily, especially when I started taking the Prometrium (Progesterone). I gained 22lbs in the almost 11 weeks of being pregnant and the almost 8 weeks I was on Prometrium. I felt helpless and at the mercy of the scale. My eating wasn’t out of control, but it changed. I ate mostly dry carbs because my morning sickness was so bad. I stopped weighing in at home and only at the Doctors. They weren’t concerned, but my god – I sure was. The Doctor assured me I’d balance out after the first trimester, but DAMN. It was a tough pill to swallow for me. The Doctor told me not to get my heart rate over 140 and I jog at a consistent 153bpm. I did a prenatal yoga dvd and walked when I wasn’t absolutely exhausted or curled over the toilet. It still wasn’t enough.

• Pregnancy – I am extremely in tune with my body. I attribute it to the fact that I’ve lost so much weight and have spent so much focused energy on it. Because I am so in tune I knew I was pregnant the very first day I could have biologically tested positive – and I did. I’m not sure if it was a blessing that I knew so early or not. It gave me more time to build an attachment and bond with the tiny being that was growing in my belly, which has undoubtedly made this process more difficult.

• I’m pretty awesome – I know that sounds silly, but over the last week I’ve realized how much I’ve grown as a woman. How much I can handle. How much more strength I have and how big my heart is. This was difficult for me in a way that may not make sense, but some people know they’re destined to be Doctors or teachers or dancers. I’ve known since I was a very small child that the one thing I wanted more than anything in life was to be a mother.  I will be – when the time is right. The entire reason I started my weight loss journey was for my future and this ordeal has only strengthened that conviction.

It’s been exactly one week since surgery. I am exhausted – emotionally and physically. I am still in pain – emotionally and physically. I am recovering – emotionally and physically. I will be a mother – just not quite as soon as we had hoped.