I had a much needed weekend of soul soothing and what I’d like to think of recovery and the road to redemption.
After gorging myself on Friday morning with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked I realized I couldn’t continue down that dangerous road. I made a promise to myself as I licked the spoon clean- I could have the weekend to grieve however I so choose and then come Monday I needed to start making healthier, smarter choices.
Friday night we had dinner with Kevin’s parents and grandparents to celebrate our birthdays. I realized how incredible lucky Kevin and I are to have “In-Laws” that we really enjoy spending time with. His mom gave me a giftcard to DSW and she hugged me tight and said, “I wanted to give you something you’d spend on you.” Those words meant so much to me because I am a giver. When I get a giftcard to Target, etc. I use it on practical things for the house. We chatted throughout the night and I realized how much I love not only my husband, but also his family.
Kevin and Powers (a best friend of ours) convinced me to come to the Strong Legs Run race just dressed to run and make my decision there. Ultimately, they did the 10k and I ran the 5k. I physically couldn’t do the 10k. I was still in ouchy pain from surgery, but knew the mental benefits would far outweigh the physical pain. I took a couple of selfies before hand. I looked at that picture and realized how sad and empty I looked. I looked as broken as I felt. Kevin has had to see the sadness in my eyes for two weeks – it made my conviction to a healthier Monday stronger.
A weekend of soul soothing so I can get back to my silly self. I am not a sad person. I am typically in a great mood. I’m hard to piss off and have a harder time staying pissed. So, after my sad selfie I decided to take the type of selfie I typically take: my I hate running selfie.
Well, the horn blew and I ran. I saw a shirt that said, “I’m running because she never will.” It was someone running in honor of their daughter that passed away at 5 days old. At that moment I decided to run for my baby that will never run. I ran the race in a 13:50 minute mile. Considering at peak performance I run a 12:30 mile and I hadn’t run in 3 months – I was VERY happy. I ran across the finish and heard Kevin and Powers cheering for me. I felt a weight lift off of me. My soul was soothing.
After the race we had lunch at Olive Garden and ordered a couple of 20 oz. beers. We toasted and said, “To our future. To our family. To never forgetting and moving forward.” Again – my soul was soothing.
I grocery shopped and set myself up for a successful week. I have always found grocery shopping cathartic and in fact, this is the first time I went grocery shopping in 2 weeks. Organic Fruits & veggies, tuna, greek yogurt, etc. :
We took a nap and then went to my nephew’s end of season soccer party. I talked to a friend that has had two miscarriages. She understood and explained it perfectly: “It’s like going from the ultimate high to the ultimate low in the snap of your fingers.” That hit the nail on the end. It’s having all of these dreams and aspirations for the future and then having it all ripped away. We talked for nearly an hour. I felt a calm come over me. My soul was soothing.
Sunday morning I woke up and thought about the text my friend Powers sent me: “Super proud of you today. A week and a half after surgery and already running a 5k. You are one strong woman! Love you!” It was the first time I thought, “I am strong, and I am gonna be just fine.” I could feel myself healing.
I prepped my food for the week. I like routines. I find comfort in routines. This brought me happiness:
We went to my parents house for Kevin and I’s birthday celebrations. Kevin turns 28 tomorrow! WooHoo! We spent the day with family and friends. My mom gave me the maternity clothes she had bought for me online and I realized I was going to be okay. I hugged her tight and reminded her we’d need them in the near future. I felt hopeful and excited. I felt calm.
Unfortunately, I woke up with a nasty head cold on Sunday so when we got home I snuggled up on the couch with Kevin and the cats. Yes, she is laying down and holding my hand with her paw:
All in all, it was a good weekend. A weekend of soul soothing and recovery.
And today? Greek yogurt, walnuts and chia seeds. A head cold that I’ll cure with running this afternoon. A positive out look and a lot of Fattitude.
Thank you everyone for your continued support and love.